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Wednesday, January 1, 2020

By the Light of the Half Lune Moon

My name is Flusher. Royal Flusher. My life is simple.

I work, I go to Las Vegas, and I gamble.

Making size 7 grommets at Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer in Flusherville, Ontario takes up most of my time. And it was on lunch break at the grommet factory that this whole thing started.

I unpacked the ham sandwich dressed with French’s mustard that the Quad Queen had made me and placed it on the metal table in the lunch room. The table is bolted to the floor. Things have a tendency to disappear around Veeblefetzer, which is teeming with underpaid, overworked, unappreciated, overlooked drones, such as myself.

As I finished my sandwich, I got a strange text summoning me to Norbert’s office. Norbert was the class clown of the company, who had shagged the owner’s daughter and subsequently married her. His desk plaque read President Norbert Nepotism.

“Trouble?” asked Eberhardt Moosreiner, whose nickname inexplicably is ‘Jackie’. He then capped the question off with a loud fart that rattled off the metal seat. Everyone laughed. Whenever I did anything like that, all I ever got was sneers.

“I don’t think so, Jackie” I replied. “They just sent for me completely out of the blue.”

Why would I be summoned to The Offices?

I packed up the remainder of my lunch, all wrinkled crinkly wax paper and mustard smears. I’d save the Jos. Louis Half Lune Moon as a treat for afternoon coffee.

The offices were pretty much empty at lunch hour. At the end of a long hallway, past the estimatin’ department where the Quad Queen works, was a green door. It was covered with something called baize. I, like everyone else, had no idea what baize is. But I can tell you, it covered that green door like a champ.

Pushing through the door, I entered the President's outer offices, which were unoccupied. Without pausing, I walked up to the door to Norbert’s office, and opened it without knocking.

To my surprise, I was greeted by a small asian man who was giggling a high pitched giggle, and not a scornful, spiteful, nancing Norbert. It was a relief.

“P! What are you doing here?” I asked, rather predictably. "And why are you playing with Norbert's phone?"

“Norbert isn't security conscious. Norbert wrote his computer password down on the back of a Mojo wrapper that he left taped to his monitor. I’m using his points to upgrade your flights to First Class. Heee heeeheeeee!” replied Jimmy Poon

Jimmy Poon is a wizard at all things wired, wireless, electronic, supersonic, and otherwise gadgety.

He’s also the technical marvel behind the site, and my personal whipping boy for anything that goes wrong or that anyone complains about. The good stuff? Mine. The bad? Jimmy Poon's fault. He never seems to get angry at being blamed though. Jimmy Poon operates on a higher Zen plane than the dirty-fingered grab and run life philosophy that rules my actions.

“Royal, Egon Mukx is drilling tunnels in Las Vegas for a convention center transportation system. I want you to investigate and get to the bottom of a tumbler of Maker’s Mark. Oh - and he also cheats at cards.”

“Perhaps he’s not the savior of the U.S. that everyone thinks he is, Jimmy Poon. Maybe he’s up to no good,” I replied, restating an extremely thin premise for a Las Vegas spy trip report.

“You leave tomorrow on Via rail from Flusherville station bound for Toronto, where you’ll pick up a Delta flight to Las Vegas. It’s a one-stopper in Motown, so say hello to the ghost of Gordie Howe for me when you change planes in Detroit.”

“Yes, sir, P,” I replied.

“It’s down the hallway, to your left.”

And that’s how I found myself to be a poorly disguised, ill-suited super spy. My life isn’t always so great but right now I had a tingly wingly sense of anticipation over the incredible sensual pleasures to come - when I dove into my Half Lune Moon at afternoon coffee!!!!!

I was also going to Las Vegas.

After Jimmy Poon upgraded us, Delta started treating us like valuable passengers. We got email updates and menu choices and so on!

We both chose the Garlic and Herb Tarlek Crusted Beef entree for our dinner. And look at all the nibblies they were going to give us!

This trip was going to be fun!

As mentioned in previous trip reports this year (and late last year), MGM Resorts continues to up my offers and I continue to respond with up yours. My play is not particularly stellar, although with two of us playing on my card last March, plus my solo trip, I made Gold status. I think that gives me discounted overflow parking.

Even though every time I stay at Luxor I vow not to again because the casino is so dismal and uninviting, my offer included 4 nights in a Super Premier One Bedroom Deluxe Suite. Plus $75 in freeplay. Plus $100 in resort credit. Plus no resort fee.

Oh yes, I booked it. I booked that shit so hard! I booked it to within an inch of its threadbare carpeted life. I booked it and made it scream "I've been a bad accomodation, punish me by booking me in advance!'

After that, of course, The California Hotel and Casino aka Big Island East. We each had an offer so I set up both of them, one after the other. We each got a few bucks of freeplay and some food money. Not much, like $20 or $30 type of thing. No resort fee.

I double booked the last night with a stay at Wynn, earned using the Wynn Slots app. Since my last trip, I got the Quad Queen hooked on the flashy colorful games within, starting her out with "Try this, baby, it'll make you feel good. The first taste is free..."

Hooked. Also, fuck you 'J'!!!
Once we realized we could really get gratis rooms and buffets through the thing, we went to town on it. The end result was four nights booked at Wynn, no resort fee. Too good to be true? We only spent a combined 16,000 hours playing the app to get at the freeness. So there.

I decided to use MOSTSIM again for cell service. It's cheaper than the Roger's Roam Like Home plan and gives unlimited LTE data.

We also set up a Prime Now order in advance, with all the goodies we'd need for Luxor room camping.

For flights, I booked a one-stopper on Delta. Westjet and Air FU Canada flights leave too early in the morning to get a train to, or too late at night, getting you into Vegas at 1:30 AM or even 2:30 AM if things go badly on Rouge, which is normal.

We'd have a leisurely train ride and arrive at Pearson with lots of time to check in and eat lunch. We'd get to Vegas with lots of time left in the evening to have fun.

All that was left was to execute on our plans.


    1. Thank you! Love your trip reports. You know it'll be a great year when day 1 includes a Royal Flusher write up....Anxiously awaiting to hear about multi Royals and Quads. And plenty of Buffalllloooo!

      1. Thanks! It'll be an even greater year if I finish the report in the next 6 weeks. ;)

    2. For those of you who are wondering about the Lune Moon thing, as you can see it's a cake made by Vachon. The English name is Moon and French is Lune.

      If you were an English kid growing up in Canada, you called them Lune Moons. Because we were uneducated and oversugared.

    3. Great first post out the gate, though I wonder why JP doesn't discuss or post more updates on Instagram of his cat Tang

    4. "Try this, baby, it'll make you feel good. The first taste is free..."


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