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Sunday, June 10, 2012

Going Halvsies on Revenge

I had a pretty successful day here in Flusherville on Saturday. It was pretty much the perfect day. Perfect in the sense that once I 'got over' the fact that the Flusherina would be picked up in a limo from the airport in Vegas and would be partying, drinking and gambling, later that day, while, by contrast, I would be stuck here in Flusherville picking up Chippy's droppings from the lawn... once I got over that it was a great day.

I think Mrs. F was kind of annoyed that I merely slowed down at the terminal at Flusherville Regional Aerodrome and shoved her and her luggage out of my 1984 Tercel instead of dropping her off  'nice'.

Like, am I supposed to waste my time being huggykissy and saying goodbye when she is ditching me for Vegas?

Besides, I was on a mission of my own. Mark's Work Wearhouse (now brilliantly rebranded at great expense including service marks, new signage, and store re-merchandising as just "Mark's") was giving out something no man can pass up.


These aren't just any underwear either, they are the high tech stay dry space age fabric ones. I actually found these to be spectacularly comfortable on my last trip. Oh how I wish I had been wearing them when I had that unfortunate incident at Mandalay Bay.

These underwear are so great that I bought a couple of extra pairs recently because they perform so very well on those long sweaty craps sessions.

If my 1984 Tercel's horn worked, I would have beeped a happy 'good luck' beep at Mrs. Flusher. I just caught a glimpse in the cracked rear view mirror as she flipped me off, and I roared (as much as a 1984 Tercel can roar) off to Mark's.

It was pretty sweet. There was no lineup or anything. They just handed me free underwear. And, some of the stuff I needed was deeply discounted too. Maybe the "Mark's" rebranding has everyone confused.

I picked up 4 polo shirts with pockets (for my all important trip logbook, pen, slot cards, and bicycle pump), two pairs of shorts, and two pairs of underwear for $116. (I drove to the other Mark's in town and picked up a second pair of free underwear there... when it comes to my crotch, I never waste an opportunity.)

Then, I picked up some Thai food and headed home to let Chippy out to dump more crap on my lawn. I think there's more crap then lawn out there, and if she keeps it up, I won't have to mow anymore.

The Thai was delicious and I spent some time screwing around on the internet, watching Mrs. F's flights on flightaware and stuff.

Had to roll back into town and pick up my niece Lamondo's mom, who by coincidence is also my sister Divana. She was arriving back home at the Flusherville train station. I was only 3 or 4 minutes late making the pickup and we headed out for dinner at a local pub.

After a burger and a beer and a good catch-up, I headed home just in time for Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals. At this point, I have no viable bets left on the NHL having screwed everything up last trip to Vegas. That's a sad story to sad to even relate, so I won't.

The hockey game was pretty good, got to see Brodeur defiled with his jersey over his head, there was some blood, some goals, and I got to hear someone in the crowd call a player a fucking pussy. I'm not sure that's what the CBC had in mind but with live sports, you take what you get. I DVRd that part so I could play it back to Mrs. Flusher when she gets home.

In the serendipity department, Casino was on so I watched that, staying up late and waiting for the good word.

The call finally came - Mrs. Flusher was in Las Vegas. In the limo. Drinking cheap fake champagne and getting hammered.

I guess I am happy for her, considering I had a solo trip just last month.

She got to Main Street Station and I got a call.

"I'm having a lizard time-out."


"I'm in the room and having a lizard time-out."


"There's a lizard in the room."

"Did you call security?"

"I caught it in a glass..."

"Did it ask you if you wanted to save up to 15% on your car insurance?...", picturing the Geico lizard, standing up and talking to her.


"Take a picture of it."

"I don't think I can do that while I'm on the phone."

"Call me back!"

Anyway the lizard is obviously pretty tiny. I was quite disappointed that it wasn't a talking insurance lizard. Some guys came up to the room and freed the lizard back into the wild by the train tracks. Probably.

Finally it was time.

I whispered into the phone.... "Gamble?"

Down she went and in went the first $20. Dollar video poker, by the lucky $5 Wheel of Fortune slot I'd won on last time.

The plan was that I'd listen in as she did her first dollar sessions. And then she'd play a $20 for me on Super Triple Double Double Assream Wanker Bonus - anything with super high paybacks and super high volatility to take a flyer and win some Revenge 2 dollars.

Here's how it went:

pair of 2s dealt - nothing.
A 2 4  8 10 - nothing.
2 6 7 8 10 - 3 hearts - nothing.
K Q unsuited - pair of Kings.
K J unsuited - dead.
$20 gone.

Next machine. Bonus Deluxe.

$20 gone. But she got 8 hands this time instead of 5.

Next machine. Dollar Treasure Chest.

She got quite a bit of play on this one - a hundred hands or so maybe? But it ended the same.

I was getting tired after my long day of lounging around in free underwear so I decided it was time for the virtual start to my next trip. We changed the rules a bit - we'd each put in $50 and split the winnings.

She found the machine I liked - the one with White Hot Aces on the glass by the pit.

$100 in... and nothing nothing nothing.

With $50 left of the hundo, she changed machines and went to Double Double Bonus.

"Dealt 3 sevens..."

"C'mon baby!!!!"

"Four sevens!"

Wahoo!!!!!!!!!! That was a $250 win!!! Half of it is mine, less my original $50, so I'm up $75 already sitting at home in my lucky free underwear!

Now THAT is the Royal Flusher Way.

I realized that half of my $50 stake was still in the machine and she was still playing, but I'm not picky. I got a quad and some Revenge 2 dollars so we agreed she could just play on but if she hit anything that required paperwork (in other words, over $1200) we'd split it.

I felt kind of bad about pushing her out of the Tercel, so I guess that makes up for it. I know its overly generous but that's just how I am.

Sometime last night this came in - another nice $125 hit - so I guess she had a bit more luck... but I still have to hear how much cash went in to get it. I'll have to put some guilt on her and see if I can get a piece of it. As Sharon Stone said, "I want my end!!!"



      Is that you, er, I mean your underwear?

      1. Those are the underwear. The package is different.

    2. You are the funniest, ever! I absolutely love to read your reports, Flusher!!


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