You Waterless Mook

Our complement of furnishings in our new winter home included one air mattress, one yoga mat, one dog bed, two pillows, sheets and blankets.

And that was it. The house was in every sense empty. Fortunately there were shutters on the windows.

We used bottled water to flush the toilets. And let me tell you, a toilet tank full of Perrier makes for a next-level flushing sensory experience. Mrs. Flusher had phoned the water company from the road and arranged for our water to be turned on, but there was no guarantee when that might be. Just 'sometime tomorrow'.

We had two plates, a few pieces of cutlery, two mugs (including one pilfered from the California Hotel and Casino in Fabulous Las Vegas), a kettle, and the Little Giant travel coffee maker.

The first night had been just as much an adventure as you'd expect in these pages. The air mattress got inflated by virtue of a built in blower of some sort. The thing about this air mattress is that it has a built in pillow - which is completely uncomfortable.

The Quad Queen was tucked away on her yoga mat and I crawled under my blanked, Chippy's dog bed at my side. I had a pillow from home under my head and found myself practically sitting up in bed, thanks to the badly designed air mattress pillow.

While trying to get comfy and failing, Chippy jumped up on the bed with me. I shoed her off and wriggled around. She jumped back up and sat staring at me.

She was scared and out of sorts and stressed and missing her hit of Gabapentin. To combat the stupid air head log, I slid down in the mattress and lay with my feet a foot off the end and the pillow from home under my tired, spinning head.

Chippy curled up against me and proceeded to adjust her position every 7 seconds without fail. She was like a doggy trampoline artist and the air mattress bounced with every wriggle.

And you know what? I let her stay right there and put up with it. Chippy never sleeps on the bed at night, but she needed some comfort and for a full hour, I just waited and bounced and dozed.

Finally, she hopped into her own bed, settled and fell asleep and so did I.

The next morning, I awoke with the strangest feeling. Where was I? Was I in a tent? No, I was in Florida, finally, after waiting for months and months and months to make the trip.

We got some food and it was house camping de luxe. Everything had to be done with bottled water. All the cooking, all the washing of berries or whatever, all the cleanup.

"Why does my life have to be so hard in this second home in Floridaaaaa???" I whined. "What if I have to go out for more bottled water???"

We brought a papier-mache chicken named Earl from home. But no guitar.

We brought a papier-mache chicken (rooster?) named Earl from home. Earl is kind of a mascot. Earl came from a chicken promotion at a flagship Earl's restaurant in downtown Vancouver. It turns out Earl is useful - Earl keeps us from walking under the chandelier where a dining table would normally be - and bumping our head.

The plan was for the Quad Queen to start figuring out the house and unpacking a bit, and I would make a run to Walmart. We tried again to get those camp chairs, but no luck. They really were out of stock.

The Little Giant fixed me a cup of coffee and I had breakfast of some sort and around noon, I was off to Walmart, pretty much completely in a daze.

I went through the grocery section and picked up all kinds of things to eat, and lots of bottled water, and then started on some of the household stuff we hadn't brought with us.

At the far end of the store near where all the automotive and seasonal stuff is, I spotted a woman pushing a cart and my eyes just about popped out of my head.

I swung right, zipped down an aisle, and headed her off, just about ramming her buggy in the process. She looked at me to say, "What the fuck is the matter with you, you waterless, furnitureless Canadian mook, who is flushing $8 of sparkling water down the shitter every time you go?"

I didn't care what she had to say - I cared what was in her cart.

"Where..." I said, pointing a shaking finger at the two plastic Rubbermaid chairs, "WHERE'D - WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE???!!!"

"In the garden center. Over that way."

I was off like a shot and found them, two beautiful $10 plastic chairs, the first furniture of our new home, and finally, a place to sit.

The rest of the shopping took me till about two in the afternoon, and on the way back to the Greacey Palms Senior Trailer Putt Putt Park, I got a call on my cell.

The Quad Queen.

"We have water."