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Sunday, March 27, 2022

Free Gratis Funkhouserman!

Just like Bonnie Tyler, I was holdin' out for a hero. Or in this case, a Funkhouser.

Or maybe more suitably, a guy in a stretchy blue suit with a flowing cape called Funkhouserman.

The word came in - not only was Funkhouser going to be in Vegas the same time as me, he could share a room at Planet Hollywood with me for the final dates on my calendar!

A room, a wonderful room, with a door, and windows, and a bathroom, and a floor, and a bed (hopefully two beds, with Funkhouser in one of them, well away from me), full of air and wonderful furniture - but the best feature of all by far, was the price.

Free Gratis, as they say in Deadwood.

Not only that, there would be no resort fees.

Not only that, I could charge stuff to the room and Funk would be firmly on the hook for all of it.

I've already read the room service menu four times and jotted down various free gratis food and wine pairings I'd like to try, way over on my side of the free gratis room. There are some shops with a few things I'm interested in as well, plus I'll need to charge a suitcase to the room to get these same free gratis things home.

What a great guy. Funkhouser has always been generous with me, over the years, and some day, I will find a way to return the favor.

That favor could be as significant as not shouting out "BIG MONEY HAIRCUT" at the top of my lungs every time I see him.

The trip is really shaping up!

Long time readers may be surprised that I'm announcing dates and hotels in advance. I'm opening up a bit, now that I'm retired - and there is no question at all that I will be blogging this trip. So you might as well enjoy the tension building run-up to departure, and the flailing disappointment of the actual trip.

One of the reasons for flying under the radar for so long was that on many occasions, I would be working from Vegas but nobody would know. In particular, my boss Norbert. It's a long reach to the size 7 grommet line, but as long as those little black rubbery beauties got shat out onto the conveyor at the prescribed rate, it didn't matter.

If you read back, sometimes you can read between the lines.

But now I'm free, and what I do and where I go is none of Norbert or Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer's business.

Here's how it's looking right now.

Train to Toronto Saturday April 30th, Air Canada Rouge Front-of-the-tin-can class to Vegas, arriving at the California for three nights. From there, on to Encore for three nights, then Mandalay Bay, then Planet Funkhouser Big Money Haircut Hollywood for three nights.

Meanwhile, back in the States, my sister Divana is here for a visit. I hope the Greacey Palms Senior Putt Putt Trailer Park is up to her standards.

Divana has a different set of rules for everything, including how she moves from room to room. She was just sitting here beside me in the lanai, and all of a sudden, without any time passing, she was in the kitchen, imploring the Quad Queen to make her a refreshing drink.

"Quad Queen, you'll make me a refreshing cocktail, won't you," I heard her say, her voice singsonging in gentle, but firm waves.

"Well, we've got some Sam's Club vodka..." The Quad Queen rattled through the fridge. "We've got a couple of Michelob Ultras that are cold..."

"Cute. You'll make me a nice cocktail, won't you, a French 77..."

"A French 77."

"Yes, a nice French 77 pink champagne cocktail. I'm sure you're not out of Elderflower liqueur, are you."

I felt a boa brush against my cheek, as Divana appeared at my elbow in an instant.

"Royal, you'll get the Elderflower liqueur, won't you." 

"How was your trip, Divana? Everything go okay?"

That one question bought me a half an hour to source Elderflower liqueur and pink champagne, while pretending to listen.

One thing she told me sunk in, though, about how she handled customs.

"What is the purpose of your trip," they'd had the nerve to ask.

"It's personal," she'd replied, and after a brief staredown, the agent stamped her forms and waved her through. She floated to the gate effortlessly, without moving her feet.

With Divana I've got my hands full, but thankfully, the shape of the trip is sorted and my rooms are all set up, thanks to Free Gratis Funkhouserman!

French 77 Pink Champagne Cocktail

3 ounces gin

1½ oz elderflower liqueur

1 ounce fresh lemon juice

Dash orange bitters

Chilled Champagne Cava or Prosecco

Lemon twists for garnish

    1 comment:

    1. Remember... no Unauthorized Cinnamon in the Free Gratis room. Can't wait for the live blog.

      I have a tentative trip planned for June 25-28 to see Primus's last A Farewell to Kings show at Virgin.


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