Lusty Promises of Illicit Entertainment

Thurs Dec 26, 2024 - Rio Las Vegas 

The Christmas weather in Windsor was cold, damp, and grey - ahead lay Rio de Janeiro, vibrant, colorful, warm, and alive with Brazil's lusty promises of illicit entertainment.

"I'm hearing the light from the window

I'm seeing the sound of the sea

My feet have come loose from their moorings

I'm feeling quite wonderfully free" - Michael Nesmith - Rio

I'm very excited to be staying at Rio for the first time - it's conjuring up the magic of the first visits to Vegas, which any Vegas lover knows is never forgotten, and sadly unrepeatable.

But hopefully I can come close.

For some stupid reason I got up at 6:00 am. When it was said and done I had oodles of time, and Filet delivered me to the airport with only a two and a half hour wait until my flight.

I sat and reflected on Christmas - it was in every way a success and a delight. The emotional lows were very few. The grand-nephews grounded everyone with their innocent excitement, glee and spurious random motions accompanied by unheard of screeches, likely of alien origin. Toys flung out of control without warning kept us all on our toes, laughing at the absurdity of taking a direct hit of an airborn radio uncontrolled car - lights a-flashing, tires a-spinning, horns a-honking - to the nuts. 

A year's supply of replacement nuts.

I ate a McDonald's double cheeseburger, and then, for some stupid reason, I did a second stupid thing - I gate checked my carry on suitcase.

Would it be 'whereabouts unknown'?

I just didn't want the hassle of it all. It was very much a full flight. I felt quite wonderfully free, skipping onto the plane with just my carnival outfit and my personal item.

My seat in Comfort Plus on Delta was... uncomfortable. You probably know those seats on the A321s that have the Steel Anal Massage Buttock Bar running across your tailbone at the back of the seat pad. After three hours, I was in agony down there.

If they only knew what an impression it makes! Literally.

Thankfully, we arrived early.

By the time I made my way to the baggage carousel, suitcases were already spewing out of the greasy chute like size 7 grommets.

And shock of shocks, I waited only 57 seconds before mine appeared. What a total win!

Pushing my luck, I opted to go for a ride share instead of a nearby taxi. It too was efficient, with only a short 5 minute wait. I had a great driver and a very clean Tesla to ride in, and there I was at last - Rio!

At this point it was starting to dawn on me that I wasn't actually going to Rio de Janeiro or, in fact, anywhere close to the country of Brazil. But the night was young.

The check-in line at Rio was fairly long, so I went for one of the kiosks. It was a complete fail. It didn't like that the name on my passport included my middle name and therefore didn't match the reservation. It wouldn't read my licence (because Canadian?).

So I joined the line-up. And then I had an idea, went back to the kiosk, entered my first and middle names in the first name field, looked up my reservation, scanned my passport, and got all the way to the end, with an assigned room, and my credit card scanned.

And then it crapped out and gave a completely useless directive - to contact Remote Assistance, without any indication of what that was, or how to contact them. Fucking useless.

So now it was back to the even longer line-up.

By the time I had my room it was pretty much an hour wasted. And I got lost navigating there, but saw the slot club booth, so took care of all the business there.

And then finally, my room.

First impressions were very good! They've done a nice job on these. They aren't really suites, just a very large room with a very large seating area and a very large TV screen.

There are no vending machines on the floor, in spite of the signage, so I went down to the little snack kiosk near the elevators.

A cold diet Dr. Pepper... $4.99. Very gougy. But I wanted a drink in my room, and so I 'splurged'. I'm going to have to find a cheaper source for things. Gold Coast next door?

And finally, it was time for the casino. I hit up the empty bar for some drinks and 9/6 Double Double Bonus.

I never hit an 'earned' quad - my first and only quad at the bar was dealt to me. I'll take it!

I wandered the casino - it's okay enough, but there's not much to distinguish it from any other mid-tier strip casino.

It is much bigger than I imagined and I got quite lost in it a number of times, a feeling that I quite enjoyed. It reminded me of the early visits to Luxor.

Then I found myself in an area that gave of the 'desperation / failing' vibe - a huge open expanse of casino with nothing in it - and a Binion's-style eternal 50% off clothing close-out sale.

And I remember this area from decades ago - it was loaded with great machines and full pay video poker, and the carnival sky parade ran above on great tracks that are still visible in the ceiling. It was a party vibe that never stopped.

Now there's nothing, and most of the shopping and eatery space is empty. I feel sorry for the lonely Smashburger way down there.

I don't feel sorry for the lonely KISS miniature golf way down there.

Long story short, I found myself a Philly Cheesesteak with marinara sauce and onions for dinner.

Half my dinner (I already ate half).

It was very good and piping hot, which is always a plus.

But the food court seating was by far the most uncomfortable I've ever encountered at any food court - almost as bad as a seat on an A321.

It's either a bad mistake, or a calculated decision to put in seating that's uncomfortable so that people won't linger there, showing disdain for the very customer's they need to populate the food court in the first place. And that is an even bigger mistake, and worse, an insult. What were they thinking?

They were thinking of how they can wring the largest sum of money out of people, not how to provide a delightful experience, that's what. Gougy.

(This post is long enough so I'll deal with dining options in a separate one.)

By now the casino was quite busy - a sign of life!

I found a machine and played some Double Super Times Slutty Pay in nickels and dimes. I did get a quad but no kicker and no multiplier.

My money went fast, but at least I was on the board with my first earned quad.

My stake for the night was gone, so I stole a couple of twenties from the Admin fund (starting that already??) and played it on Keno. The Keno paytables are pretty good, one notch down from the best available in town, paying 810 for 5/5 (compared with 838 on the best machines found around).

In my case, they paid nothing for nothing out of five, and I wobbled wearily to bed.

Earplugs in, temperature set, I was asleep in about 4 breaths, and out for almost 9 hours.