Vibe Hard With a Vengeance

Day 2 - There is no qualification here. I am old. It's simply true. I am old. I went to bed at 7:00 pm on my first night in Vegas.

To my credit (a qualification?) I didn't actually fall asleep until after 7:30.

I enjoyed sleep vibes without judgement or comparison until 3:00 am. This would not do. I don't care what you say, it was not 'meant to be' or 'for the best'.

So I dozed for another hour and a half and then dragged myself out of bed.

Vegas! I'm in Vegas!

I love my morning rituals here. The early headache. The creaky joints and spasming back muscles. The water retention. Then a Tylenol, the Little Giant drip dripping hot coffee like an infusion into the veins of the traveler's soul, and some disgusting, cheap, dodgy breakfast.

Yes, I had it all.

The best part was that I was able to actually open the bag of coffee by pulling on it (with the force of three strong men) until the glue gave, leaving me a perfect, clean spout. No hacking away at the tyvek with a dull plastic knife.

I'd had the foresight to apprehend a bunch of sweetener packets from the Del Taco counter, and I had a supply of milk. So coffee was happening, and it was good.

I wasn't going to mention this, but it figures in the general narrative of the story. Last night I went to the vending machine to get a Diet Pepsi.

Three bucks for a 20oz bottle. Not bad! I put in three dollar bills. There was no Pepsi of any kind no matter what button I pressed. All were 'unavailable'. I tried to get my money back. YOU CAN'T. There was an 800 number posted for service. I CALLED. OUT OF SERVICE.

I waited and pressed the only available button (coin return) and finally gave up and bought a bottle of water, something which I abhor. The water here at the hotel is just fine, and plentiful, and covered by the $45 plus 13% hotel tax.

Fine. Aqua fine. I placed the bottle of water in the fridge.

Meanwhile, back in this morning, I took the water bottle out to make coffee with. Because why not. It was frozen.

I gave my Del Taco chicken burrito a squeeze (pipe down, Bobby G) and it had some give. I placed it on the counter for later disgustation.

Coffee, a little bag of punishment nuts, Wordle, and masterful blogging of words, and I was happy as a clam, slaving away in the darkness of the terrifying Las Vegas night. Maybe you are thinking that's a mixed simile and that clams don't slave. Keep your Pollyanna alliteration's to your apostrophetic selfies!

Halfway through my writing, I dug into the Del Taco burrito.

For some reason, I feel that Del Taco is the name of a guitarist from the 60s who had a break-out hit that nobody expected playing his Fender Duo Sonic while wearing a red and green Spike Jones style windowpane suit, a pair of trademark gold framed Ray-Ban Olympians, and a fez (with no tassel, to avoid looking gimmicky).

Well. I thought it wasn't frozen, but it was, partially. I crunched through every last Del-icious bite anyway.

I was very excited to hit the casino. I had won $110 playing triple play Jacks or Better over the course of two hours. I figured I would play two sessions of two hours and win $220.

The Little Giant gurgled up a second cup of coffee, I finished dressing my teeth and brushing myself - man I looked minty, and what a smile - and headed back over to Excalibur (after dropping $20 in Bufffffalo!)

This is the beauty of video poker. You always think you have it figured out, and you surely don't. It is un-figure-outable.

I played for over an hour and never got a quad. Hundred dollar bills were flying out of the Travelambo.

A cleaner wandered by and said 'Good morning sir, and have a Merry Christmas'.

I screamed, "I REJECT YOUR TOXIC POSITIVITY! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M VIBING???"

On the last hundy of my day's stake, I switched to Bonus Poker. I finally got 3 quads but the damage was done.

An hour and 40 minutes into my day and I'd burned through my entire stake.

I did not panic though. I consulted Jimmy Poon's Savvy Language Model Artificial Stupidity system.

> I've burned through $400 in a little over an hour and a half on Triple Play Jacks. Provide options.

You degenerate. Here are some options:

Go back to your room. Come out for meals but otherwise wait until tomorrow.

Go back to your room. Get tomorrows stake. Blow through it.

Go have something to eat, relax, chill, relish the experience. Then go on walkabout and purchase a large amount of alcohol and some snacks. This will keep you out of the casino and fill your day with random happenings. On the way back, throw yourself off the New York New York Brooklyn Bridge.

 AS was really paying off. I was pretty hungry so I headed upstairs and walked by Buca di Beppo and glanced at the menu. Shocking.

As I walked away, through a tight passageway, I railed at corporate Vegas, out loud. "Fifty three fucking dollars for a lasagne? Fuck you. Get bent. Fuckers."

In front of the buffet, a man approached me. I was instantly wary.

"You going to the buffet? Want a free pass?"

I looked at him. He had something in his hand. He didn't look like a bridge huckster handing out stuff - he had only the one thing.

He had a name tag. His name was "Excalibur".

And the man wore working clothes. I started to think maybe he was legit.

He handed me the piece of cardboard and a pen.

"How many of you are there?"

"Just me," I said.

"Fill out your name, the date, and how many people - one. Write on my back."

I managed it without writing on his back, which would have been just too odd.

"Why... why are you doing this?" I asked.

"Because MGM stiffed me on my bonus this year, that's why. We were supposed to give these out in June. I'm giving them out now."

I thanked the dude and wandered off to the buffet.

"'Preciate you, 'preciate you, 'preciate you, 'preciate you," I shouted as he slinked back into the shadows from whence he came.

I inspected the bit of cardboard he'd given me. I'd had one of these before, back when I had some complaint or other. They issue these to 'make it right'. Maybe the time I thought I'd had passed included with my offer but didn't? Or the time I had the brick wall as my view?

There was no lineup at the buffet, so I strolled up and handed the thing over. The cashier took it without question and I was in! The worker man was in earnest!

Looking back, I wonder if he heard me pulling my 'Old man yells at cloud' routine outside Fuck you di Bastards and the $53 lasagne and recognized a kindred spirit - someone who also didn't get a Christmas bonus.

Now... can you see it coming?

Can you?

I was led to my table.

How long have you been reading my blog?

Out of the 900 tables in the buffet, I got assigned the Single Lonely Diner table. Right next to the bussers access. Right by the trolley of rotting crab claw exoskeletons.

The Single Lonely Diner table.

So, I had a few rounds of buffet. The brisket was excellent, best I've ever had, actually. (I've had bad luck with brisket.) The fried chicken was dried out an inedible. The hash browns were sub par but the Country Throw-up Gravy was full of Chew Prizes, hot, gooey, and delicious! The sausages were lame, but the banana cream pie was excellent.

But I'm glad I didn't use up half of my $100 resort credit on this.

Stuffed, I waddled out of Excalibur and started walkabout (mostly to get to CVS for cheap pop, a bottle of rocket fuel, and a few more snacks).

The weather isn't great here. It's chilly, cloudy, and there is rain coming for two days. Stay out of the Quad Flood-o-matic parking garage!

The above display of cheese sticks in CVS is the model for the masterpiece Punishment Cheese #2, currently on display at the Museum of Flusherville Art (MOFA).

I've noticed $5 blackjack advertised at the Dirty Castle and at Luxor - I'll have to check out what horrid rules it has.

I also noticed something else.

Back in the room, I unpacked my goodies and put some stuff in the fridge, but on the top shelf. Let's see if it freezes there or not. The milk is wrapped in a towel and so far so good.

And, I poured myself a drink, looked out the window, and got typing.

And this is as far as I got. The evening has yet to be written...