A Hot Plan

A few weeks ago, my good friend and fellow degenerate brother in video poker BobbyG mentioned he was going to be in Vegas soon.

Could I come and meet him there? Any chance?

Well with Chippy, no. Plus I told him Chippy was in heat. Which she was at the time.

A wonderful, terrible idea came to me. I would not tell BobbyG that Chippy had moved on to the next grade, and I would not tell BobbyG that I was coming to Vegas.

I would show up and surprise the G spot out of him.

And because of that, I am blogging the trip as I go, but not posting anything until I've blindsided him and swiped the lucky horseshoe he's been carrying around lately (unless it was up his ass).

Speaking of that, I had a colonoscopy 2 days before the trip. I have been getting one every five years. I won't bore you with the horrible prep you have to do.

The best part is when you get up on the gurney thingy and they shovel a veinload of white-hot liquid relaxation into you. Oh boy does that feel good.

"Is that the good stuff going in now?" I asked nurse Victoria.

"Yes - you should be feeling pretty chill now," she replied, and then began to pump the foot pedal that raises up the whole contraption so they can get at the hole thing.

"Oh my GAWD..." I said, dreamily, "Vicky, I feel like I'm floating, floating upward, out of my body, up towards the ceiling... am I flying?"

A moment of silence.

"Mr. Flusher, I'm raising up the whole gurney with you on it."

No dawning of the age of aquariass.

I watched the procedure on the monitor and bombarded the doctor with questions and comments.

"Dr. Pucker, if you find a polyp... I'm going to name it Jackson," I said.

Nothing. Tough room.

It all went smoothly and my butt was crystal clean. No polyps, no issues, which is great considering the number of bad habits I've enjoyed over the years.

I'd won the game and covered the spread.

Divana sent her driver over to pick me up and take me back to her place until I could 'come down' from my 'trip'. This is how I looked.

Now, having shepherded Chippy the Black Lab through her formative teenage months, morning to night, day after day after day with no breaks - I reckoned I deserved a real vacation. A nice one. One where stress is removed by the application of spondulacs.

I can't recall if it was a comment left on the last trip report or if someone said this to me - maybe Vegasbebe?? - dude, stop staying in places that are depressing and that you hate being in like Luxor and Excalibur just because they are comped. Stay in places that bring you joy.

That was the gist of it.

I called Jimmy Poon.

"Hello?" said Jimmy Poon.

"Hello Jimmy Poon. It's me. Royal."

"Hey Royal, how are you?"

"Fine, Jimmy Poon. Just fine. Are you fine?"

"Fine, Royal Flusher. Just fine."

"Jimmy, get to work on the WinSim 3000 computer - fire up your Artificial Stupidity dumb language model or whatever it is - get your AS in gear and design me a concept for this next trip to Vegas!"

"You've got it, Royal. As soon as I'm done with the lyric re-grammarization engine."

"And what does that do?"

"Royal, our kids have been bombarded with over a century of pidgin English, patois, slang, and vulgar popular song lyrics. This fixes it. They'll enjoy the power of rock and roll, and learn proper grammar. Like I did in my spare time when I came over."

"You do talk good smack, Jimmy Poon, and I ain't lyin'"

I hung up and plotted my travel plans.

I won't make a big deal out of this. Here's how it ended up.

First, I paid for a Platinum Amex card, which opens the door to all kinds of status upgrades and lounge accesses. It also instantly made me a 'somebody' - in my own mind.

Train from Flusherville to Toronto, Business Class. Stay in Toronto overnight. I found a hotel that I can use points for and that you can actually walk to from Terminal 3. The Four Points by Gum.

This totally takes the stress out of taking the train to Toronto and flying the same day, all the time freaking out about whether the train will get to the plane on time.

The next day, leave around noon on United. First Class. Stop in Chicago.

In Vegas, I've rented a car. Hertz this time. Avis has fucked me around once too often. Remember the pickup truck last trip?...

I'll get the car and proceed directly to Silverton, where I will gobsmack BobbyG right in the slats. He won't know what hit him!

I'm assuming he will be glad to see me - maybe I've overplayed my hand here. We'll see.

Then I drive to the California. I love being there. Three nights comped, no resort fee. Free parking.

Then, three nights at Encore. I spent about $500. I got $25 food and $100 Freeplay and 2 show tickets. That seems like a good deal for a wonderful hotel that is walking distance to both Peppermill and Tacos El Gordo. They also make a wicked mojito.

And then my Rio offer got shifted back to no resort fee so I booked the last 2 nights there. They gutted their VP so I'll just play at Orleans and the Palms - or wherever my rental takes me. South Point for example.

I'm out on a redeye, again United First Class, so it'll be fairly comfortable. I'll land in Toronto, haul ass downtown, and catch the train back to Flusherville. Loser class, I'll be so dragged out it won't matter much.

A couple of texts came in from Jimmy Poon.

I can't get any satisfaction

I can't get a girl to react to me

Because I try, and I try, and I try, and I try

I cannot get any, I cannot get any

Hey, hey, hey!

That is the thing that I say 

 And:

You aren't anything but a hound dog

Crying all the time

You aren't anything but a hound dog

Crying all the time

Well you haven't caught any rabbits

And you aren't a friend of mine.

When they said that you were of high stature

Well, that was just a lie

Yes, they said that you were of high stature

Well, that was just a lie

Yes, you haven't caught any rabbits

And you aren't a friend of mine.

I texted him back.

Get me that trip report concept fast. I leave in 2 days. Hell, call it something hot.

Call it - Hot August Nights

I started packing for Vegas and within an hour, the AS engine had created some great artwork for the trip report. Jimmy Poon had knocked it out of the park!