Sunday, September 9, 2018

Funkhouser Dinner Houdini Style

Sunday Day 2 - continued

Funkhouser has a comp to use up and we both decide something simpler would be a good bet for dinner - the Bugger Brasserie at Paris.


I don't know what it is when I get together with Funkhouser - but we get the strangest waiters. There was Matthew the Turbo Talking Waiter at Ruth's Chris, for example.
Oh Matthew!
But tonight we have another odd one. I'm trying hard to think of how to describe this guy. He takes  the simplest thing and turns it into a huge endeavor on his part... but he is going to do it with over-the-top enthusiasm, and bend-over-backwards cheerfulness. Everything with this guy is an exciting priority.

"HI MY NAME'S TAS ANDITS GOING TO BE MY PLEASURE TO BE TAKINGCAREOFYOU TONIGHT WE HAVE SOME AMAZING SPECIALS LISTED ON THE BOARD WOULD YOU LIKE AN AWESOMESPECIALLYCRAFTEDCOCKTAIL OR ANYTHING ELSE TO START HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE THAT'S FINE YOU JUST TAKEYOURTIME WITH THE MENU I'LL GET THAT WATER STARTED FOR YOU RIGHT AWAY AND I'LL BE BACK WITH IT BEFOREYOUKNOWITNOPROBLEMO GUYS ALL RIGHT YOU ENJOY READING THE FANTASTIC MENU AND I'LL BRING INDIVIDUAL WATERS FOR YOU ONTHEDOUBLE!!!!!"

I'm not quite sure what has happened and neither is Funkhouser. We just want to sit and have a drink or two and eat a burger and maybe some appetizers.

It's not like we are buying a timeshare or something. We don't need to be dazzled.



Tas visits the table nine times and each time he says, "GUYS HOW ARE THINGS HERE HAVE YOU DECIDED ON DINNER OR DO YOUNEEDMORETIME THAT'S FINE NO ISSUES YOU TAKE YOUR TIME I'LL BE BACK WITH A TOPUP FOR YOUR WATER AND MORE NAPKINS AND CHECKONYOUINAMINUTE!!!!"

We order drinks and some appetizers, and some burgers. I'm already exhausted just being around Tas.

But we do manage to have a drink and get caught up some more. Funkhouser has tons of interesting things to tell about what's going on. I have stories of fucking with Jackie Moosreiner's lunch pail day after day and that's about it.

"OKAY THOSE APPYS ARE COMINGRIGHTUP I'M WATCHING THE KITCHEN LIKEAHAWK TO GET THEM RIGHT OUT AND ONTO YOUR TABLE FOR YOU NOW DO YOU WANTTO SHARE AT ALL I'LL BRING EXTRA PLATES SO YOU CAN DIVVYUP DON'T WORRY I'M ON IT I CAN DEFINITELY SWINGTHEEXTRAPLATES AND HOWARETHEDRINKS DOING HOW ABOUT ANOTHER OR ANOTHER OR MORE WATER OR ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE I'M HERE TO DO YOUR BIDDING YOU JUST LET ME KNOW OKAY I'LL BE RIGHTBACK WITH EXTRA PLATES AND TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHINGISOKAY!!!!!"

Tas does a couple of spins and disappears in a puff.



Finally I figure it out.

Our waiter is Mel Blanc's Tasmanian Devil and he might as well be going "WHYARAWALAGAOOGHASLAWABOOGAWARAYAYA APPYS"

For starters Funk gets some sort of pretzel dippy thing that tastes surprisingly good, for bread and sauce. OK, so, yeah, they are nummy, but no way should one person consume an entire order. Four or five people should.


I opt for a set of wings - I just have a hankering for wings and a burger as well and they are pretty good - piping hot, crispy outside, juicy inside. Most importantly, there is an even distribution of flatties and drummies across both lefties and righties. Symmetrical wing selection and placement is almost a lost art in today's mixed-up world, but not here at the Brasserie!


I fail all of my loyal readers and forget to photograph our meals as they arrive. Being extremely creative, I do the best I can.

Steak a la Funkhouser.

Partial Burger a la Flushiepants.
My burg comes with a nice brioche bun, but it's huge, and an easy solution is to ditch the top half. There's brie on there, and I add some condom mints ketchup and mustard. Hell, it's all good, tres bien!

We actually catch a break, as Tas shows up and tells us that - oh well, in his words:

"GUYS ITS BEEN AN ABSOLUTE AMAZING PLEASURE TAKING CARE OF YOU NOW I'M HEADING OUT AND SYLVESTER WILL BE TAKINGCAREOFYOU IF THERE'S ANYTHING I MEAN ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED HE'LL BE ON IT AND IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOU COULD TAKE CARE OF THE BILL NOW SO IT'S A LITTLE EASIER FOR SYLVESTER FELLA'S WOULDYOUWANNA DO THAT IT'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL I'VE GOT IT HERE AND I'LL LEAVE IT CONVENIENTLY ON THE TABLE WHAT A PLEASURE I LOVE BEING YOUR SYCOPHANTIC WAITER KISS MY ASS WHYARAWA LAGAOOGHASLAWA BOOGA WARAYAYA!!!"

It's pretty clear - Tas wants to get tipped out before he heads home to probably relax resurfacing all of his neighbor's hardwood floors with a belt sander (without telling them) or something.

Fair enough, we take care of him, and before long, it's time to hit the machines, after making a pit stop at the cage. Funk has business on account of his participation in a slot tournament. They hand the winnings out in scrip - fake money - that you can put in machines for credits.

Random things you see in Vegas.


There is only one other use for these pieces of paper, and believe me, playing them in machines is by far the better option.

I don't know my way around Bally's enough yet, but that's ok - Funkhouser is an expert, and knows where the good machines are. He leads me like a mangy old donky through the rows, around the cashout machines, and into a back alley of video poker machines.

"This one," he says, pointing, "this one has given lots of quads. I've done very well on it." I regard the esteemed machine. It looks identical in every respect to all of the other machines in the alley.

But not only does Funkhouser insist that I play the machine instead of taking it for himself, he even lends me a $20 scrip thingy to put in, because I have only a hundy on me. I promise to repay it.

We get busy, play video poker, share stories, and watch me hit quads.

Yep, I am first out of the gate, just 15 credits away from where I would have to beg Funk for more scrip.



We play on. Funk shows his mastery of getting three-of-a-kind with no improvement. He's having a rough time of it with far too many 'almosts' and no 'mosts'.




I hit another. And another. And ANOTHER. Sadly, none of them are premium quads, but I've done well, and cash out at $200 even. That's $20 back to Funk, and $180 back to my gambling wallet.


I think that's about the same amount that Funkhouser has put into his machine.

Before I head back downtown, I want to check out his remodeled one bedroom suite.

On the way I AM not COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY BY THE DISPLAY OF AN AMAZING ARTIFACT FROM THE WORLD OF HARRY HOUDINI!!! HOUDINI style STRAIGHT JACKET AND HANDCUFFS!!!

Houdini (style) straight jacket with a photo of a Houdini (style) escape artist.
The suite is pretty comfortable and has great views. I could get used to a suite like that. It's got a huge living space and separate bedroom, couple of johns, bar and what not. Very comfy.





I've had a long day of it and it's the first full day in Vegas after a short night - I'm bagged and say so long to Funk. He graces me with a Jack Daniels mini. He won't stoop to drinking such rotgut - but he knows I will stoop. I will stoop like a picker out in the chocolate strawberry fields.

I grab an Uber back downtown without any drama and... I do that thing where you should just go to bed but you don't. You play $20 in BEEEFFFALLLOOOO!!! And next thing you know, you've pushed your day almost over the cliff by losing a total of $120 at it.

Next, I do that other thing where I just decide to stupidly put an additional $100 into play - on dollar jacks or better.

Well. I don't break the bank, but I hit a honey of a machine that is in a great mood and ready to give out a little fluff. I'm getting dinger after dinger and the dollars are rolling up. The quad never comes (neither does the royal) but in short order I drift back down to $200 - and I cash out.

And so, Day 2 is in the books. It is a great one, and this evening I've made a nice little recovery at Bally's, and a quick fail and another recovery at the Plaza. And that's good, because I have only one day left to put in some solid play at the Plaza and hopefully recoup some room costs.

Day: VP - $10
Day: BJ -$100
Trip: -$190

Not great, not terrible. There's still a long way to go, but I think I'm doing okay. Tomorrow... is where it could get ugly as I try to put in a solid day at the Plaza. If it goes bad, I could go through a big chunk of my bankroll.

2 comments:

  1. You are my new, favourite blogger. I am loving every paragraph and picture. I'm a degenerate gambler from Victoria. Great to have found you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are my new, favourite blog reader, Joannep2bc! Glad you are enjoying the blog.

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