Keep Rubbing My Lamp

Day 11 - Thursday - part 3

What would a walk-through of the Four Queens be without an attempt at Revenge Gambling? I decided to play $20, without my card (lest I mess up my daily average).

I have not done well at the Four Queens in the last year. As I put it to my pal Kenny Blankenship, they "took a post hole auger to me and cored me like a lady boy pineapple".

And behold, four of a kind made its way unto my screen. I cashed and ran with $30 profit. Heh heh.

Revenge Quad at the Four Queens

Since I was in the area, why not visit the good ole Downtown Grand? Sadly, there was no more freeplay there but that's okay, they'd treated me well.

Downtown Grand Furnace Bar

And I got yet another four-to-a-Royal draw. I was almost starting to hate them because I needed a Royal so badly.

Four-to-a-Royal attempt number nine or so.

Got the Nine for the straight flush, which is just as hard as getting the Ace. So why couldn't I have the Ace instead? Huh? Whyyyy??? I parlayed, blowing it all back on 50 cents. Played another $20 and then headed back to the Cal, where I would need to do a decent day's play.

After grabbing lunch at the counter in the Cal coffee shop (Portuguese Bean Soup and halfa Chicken Salad Sandwich, with Salad Bar aka the Shaky Grandfather Special), I hit up my old pal, the Treasure Chest machine.

Thank you Treasure Chest! I decided to keep playing and try for that royal. I played about half an hour on the winnings, putting in $1290 coin in.

Then, I headed for the alcove to play some 50 cent Jacks and Bonus and try to parlay to dollars and thus try to get the dollar Royal that would save this entire ridiculous report.

I put $100 in because I knew I wanted to play for a long while, if possible. I held my own for a half an hour or so, drifting up, down, up, down. Finally, I hit a quad. I don't like to parlay until the counter is even, so I played another hand - and the very next hand I was dealt another one. Back to back quads. I've done it a few times before, but it is always a pleasant surprise.

Now I got on a fucking amazing run. I parlayed to dollars and just kept winning and winning. When I got up to $400, I cashed a ticket out and put a hundred in. I ran that up to $300, cashed out another ticket, and put another hundred in. When I lost that hundred, I quit.

Now THAT was more like it! I'd made a good $400 or so on the session and done a ton of play.

Feeling chuffed, I decided to try my luck at Boner Deluxe, which had been so good to me in the past at the Cal.

$20 in. Dollar Boner Deluxe. Take a flyer on it... 

First hand!!!!

HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

It didn't bother me that the Aces were worth the same on Bonus, which I'd just been playing. Hell no, it didn't bother me a bit. Because that sweet machine had just handed me $400.

At this point I was up $795 on the day and things were looking good. I went back to the room and actually put money back in the safe. What a nice feeling that was. I took a power nap, rested up a bit, and saddled up for the last onslaught of the day - at Main Street Station where multi-play awaited.

Fate of the Mummy's Tomb Dessicated and Oozing Gangrene Brownie De-Lite

Day 11 - Thursday - part 2

With great dexterity, and using all my concentration and observational prowess, I motored safely to the California Hotel and Casino, using the gear selector lever appropriately, applying the brakes smoothly, well ahead of time, avoiding 'jackrabbit' starts, obeying all signs and signals, and refraining from sounding the horn except for the eleven or so times I got cut off or pushed out of a lane by some methed-up greasy-haired cab driver.

Ok, I'll admit, I'm out of line on that one. It's not a fair generalization at all.

Many of the methed-up cab drivers that ran me off the road were very well coifed.

My state-of-the-art degen gambling record keeping system.

After parking in the Cal parking structure, I took a chance and hauled all my crap (except the now completely irradiated brownie) right down to the lobby, even though it was hours before check-in time.

My favorite desk clerk, Kitty Bar the Door, with whom I share a little secret, checked me in and greeted me warmly, as always. She fixed me up right away with a Parlour suite, keys, parking pass (why not be prepared...) and my Gold card, which would serve to comp me any food and drink I wanted at any of the restaurants at the Cal, Main Street Station, and Fremont. It's worth its weight in gold. And then some.

A welcome change to the suite was a new credenza thingy, and a new wall mounted big-ass TV. They've added a big-ass fridge, which suits the clientele well - Aloha spirit includes a lot of take-out goodies. With my room camping tendencies, this would serve me well.

And the first thing to go in it? The Veuve Cliquot, still unopened.

The Keno Channel never gets turned off, in case of room gambling.

Chore time... return the Asshat to the Four Queens. I parked the reliable old Asshat in her stall and took a look around for lost belongings.

I did not want a repeat of the very sad Lost Lucky Goat incident of 2014.

So, in the back seat, I found, of course, the Mummy's Tomb Dessicated and Oozing Gangrene Brownie De-Lite, and a two and a half foot plastic straw.

Ah yes... the straw from Blonde4Ever's Drinking Problem Slotzilla Six Gallon Travelling Cup. I was sure she could pick up a new one anywhere.

In a miracle of competence, I noted the mileage on the vehicle AND the stall number I'd parked in. Down at the Four Queens desk, no-one was to be seen. I waited for five minutes. And then five more minutes. What the hell? I looked around a bit for information. There was no sign up saying 'be right back' or anything.

And That's because the sign that said 'be right back' was carelessly tossed aside on the counter, nearly hidden from view. I got on tippy toes and picked off the cell number from the sign and called it.

Yup, I got the boothling, who was doing things up in the Avis part of the parking structure.

"Hey, it's Royal Flusher, I'm down here at the booth. I've returned the Asshat into stall number 69."

He wanted to know if I knew the mileage, which I did, and he actually went over and found the car in the stall to check for damage etc.

"Yup, the tanks full," I said, "filled it with gas just down Main Street."

He told me to put the keys into the night key deposit box and be on my way.

"Will do..." I said. "I left you a brownie."

The Packing-Antipacking Time Warp

Day 11 - Thursday - part 1

The answer to the burning question was... no, I did not open the bottle of champagne vin de sparkling method champagnoise bubbly. No, that was reserved for a Royal. I still had faith I could pull one out of the hat in the remaining days.

Another moving day, today I'd leave Luxor and head back downtown. I used the SSST for the last time and took a shower, and then got going right away on the packing up, which I figured wouldn't take long.

Wrong. Don't ask my why it takes so long to pack up. When you arrive at the room, you bring everything you have in a suitcase, right? And the task is simply to put everything back. And then it takes you two hours to do this.

There must be some kind of packing/antipacking time warp involved.

I downloaded a show onto the niPad, and had breakfast out of the last of my Hole Foods stash. I was surprised at how long I survived without coffee, but there it is. I got to the point where I was pretty much ready to walk out the door to go downtown, save the stuff in the safe.

So, downstairs to play a bit and get my jolt at Starbucks, where today, my Starbucks name was Chapper Al.

I spotted a Flintstones machine - I love the Stones! But sadly, it was full up with the only vacant spot out of order.

I'd be more impressed if he hovered on his pointy head instead of his pointy feet.

I played this and that, and had another $25 point play to enjoy. I got a quad on Double Double and sipped my coffee while playing it through and keeping on the lookout for ne'er-do-well Russian Janitors.

Then, on another machine, I did do a parlay on Bonus Poker after getting a quad and then got the Aces, yet again. I was definitely getting my share of Aceses this trip.

When I was done playing I was up about $120 on the morning, which I thought was a good note to leave Luxor on. Next stop was the MILF booth to try to get some $$ off my bill. I asked to see a host and it was the damndest thing, it was as if they didn't want me to. Yes there were hosts in the building, but no, they wouldn't come over, they were in they hidey-hole office which you wouldn't be able to find, over by the cashier.

This used to be the waterfall. There were some machines in the space to the left. This was our spot for years.

They said they'd get one on the phone for me, so I stood there at the desk and talked to my new host. He walked that borderline between being efficient and being rude. Bottom line, I got $80 taken off my bill and he also sucked up $40 in MILF points to reduce the bill a bit further. And he said to contact him next time I was coming out and 'we'll make the magic happen'.

I wasn't overly impressed, but it was also my first contact with the guy. Still, I'm not sure if I'm a fan or not. I'd done close to $20K coin in at Luxor and would have hoped for a bit more in comps. But it is the strip so...

One thing that burns me is the resort fees on the bill. And then there is TAX on top of the resort fees. It just seems so abusive.

I wandered over to the cashier's cage and found the host's office in about 1.91 seconds. Just for fun.

Almost forgot my mission to Dickscalibur! Rumor had it that there was a Double Double Bonus machine with a very favorable paytable. I even had instructions on where to find it. Well I searched high and low, long and wide, up and down, east and west, near and far, back and forth, hither and yon and found sweet fuck all. The machine, if it was ever there, is now long gone.

Time to go. I got my stuff, hauled it down to the valet and picked up the Asshat. I had the same valet guy I'd had the day before. His name was Twitch Magnussen. We got talking and he told me he'd lived in Vegas most of his life and his Mom had worked at the Lady Luck. And he had a very clear memory of sitting at the Lady Luck waiting for Mom, and watching the valet guys run around and park cars.

It seemed to have made a lasting impression on Twitch.

I needed to gas up the Asshat before returning it, and I had a very savvy plan. Instead of waiting until the last day, I pulled into the Arco station on the corner of Reno and The Strip and filled up there. That way, I'd get to drive back to the Cal using The Man's gasoline and I'd save about 16 cents on fuel. Savvy and frugal!

I took a careful guess at how many dollars of gas I'd need and prepaid. The tank started to choke just as I got near the amount. I finished off the prepaid gas and the tank was just right full. Perfect! What a roll I was on!

Feeling smug, I opened the drivers door and winked at a cute woman wearing a halter top at the next pump. And as I swung smoothly into the driver's seat, something caught my eye. Something glinting in the back seat. Something misshapen, molten, sticky, gooey, and awful.

And that's how I rediscovered the beautiful caramel-topped brownie I'd been given 4 days previously by Blonde4Ever and Kodidog.

Walk Like You Mean It

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Berserk Video Poker

Day 10 - Wednesday - part 2

It's not very often you get to take a picture like this one. I can't believe I hit the Loose Doose!

With that milestone achieved, and my wallet full of Doose Hundies, there was only one thing to do, right?

That's right!

Go back and play more on the Loose Doose.

I know what you're thinking... I put a hundy in.

I know what you're screaming... but it's okay, really. It is.

Well, nothing dramatic happened. The Loose Doose remained Eloosive for my extra hundy, and I got about an hours play out of it. In fact, the reason I quit was that I simply couldn't play any more. I pounded that ancient upright for 3 hours total and I cashed out half of my hundy.

So yeah, it was a great roll on the Loose Doose, lots of entertainment, I came out ahead, and I got some coin in at Mandolin Bay.

Back at Lucks-whore, that quarter progressive by the bar was very near $1200. It was like $1195. This is a good number for Flushie, because once its over $1200, I get 30% tax withheld. So if the progressive his $1201 there's not much point in playing it, compared to when its at $1195.

(Having said that, with the asskicking I had taken this trip, it seemed likely that any tax withheld would be claimable backable.)

(Having said that, I was in the same position last year and had a stellar fall trip and ended up finishing ahead for the year. Where there are credits, there are hope.)

And, in fact, I played this quarter eating video slut until it teased me over $1200 and then I left it behind in the alley where it belonged.

Last chance for Canadian IRS tax victims... going... going...

In other words, I lost.

I think the meter on this progressive moves pretty quickly. I'd sat next to a guy the previous night and when I wandered back through half an hour later I noticed someone had the Royal - same guy, and it was dealt to him. I gave him props but the point is that the meter got up to $1200 again in one day. So this is a good play to keep an eye on. There a 9/5 Jacks paytable that could go positive if the royal progressive is high enough. I've seen it over $2K.

After that triple play Super Times Pay took my money and gave me a couple of pictures in return.

If you don't get good hands on the spinners, 300 credits can disappear in a heartbeat. Or more specifically, 16 hands. Something like that happened to me.

All of this Doosing had made me hungry and I heard a 4 pound bucket of Hole Foods mixed salad calling my choppers from up at Camp West Tower. I headed up there and chowed down. It was nice to eat something healthy after motorboating Eggs Tits for breakfast smothered with all that CTUG.

And then, to counteract the healthy salad, I packed a cigar and matches into my shirt pocket and headed back down. I wanted to see the pool, thinking I might go there later. One part of it looked really nice.

So nice, you had to pay extra to get in there.

Now, maybe I am stupid, but isn't what the fuck a resort fucking fee is fucking for???

What, I have to pay a resort resort fee to get into the good area of the resort???

God, it's so anti-customer.

Fuck you and your fancy paid access area.

Done with the pool far like ev-arr, I wandered through the casino again. I'd done some pretty savvy video pokering so I treated myself to some more video poker, at the Aurora Bar. A couple of twenties into their DDB progressive.

I could get to like Aurora Bar. It has beer, some neat decor, and some great sightlines for egg watching.

Not much happening on the DDB, and I retired to an empty armchair to sit, smoke a Hemingway Dink cigar, sip my drink, and watch the people go by.

The cigar is actually called a Hemingway Short Story. I, for one, did not know that Hemingway was so poorly endowed, but its true. The cigar proves it.

It was kind of funny - although I had a perfect people-watching spot, the half-wall made it so I could only see them from the elbows up. It felt kind of claustrophobic, in an egg-watching sense. But I took my time, enjoyed my smoke and my beer, and for once, annoyed no-one.

After that, I went to some machines which I know to have full pay dollar Bonus Poker on them, and being the conservative twit that I am, played 50 cents.

I hit one quad and stayed conservative and then hit a hand that made me laugh my ass off.

I held a lone Jack. (A black Jack in case anyone wants to piss on my parade...)

I hit Draw to get four more cards, and up pops this.

Yup. Four Aces on the re-deal. Nice, nice, nice, nice.

So, I did parlay up to dollars, and then... four Queens on the redeal. What was going on? Was this machine berserk???

I kept playing the beserk machine and decided to pound the dollars come what may. Maybe I'd get that needed dollar Royal. In response, the machine went... berserk.

What the flippin heck??? Dealt Kings, now.

Sadly, there's no huge win picture here... I played and played but, yeah, I lost it all back.

It was all part of the fun, I had no regrets this day as I'd been playing my ass off all day long, hitting about $10K in coin in.

I was down about $250 when I went to Mandalay Bay. The Loose Doose put me plus $240 or so. The various wins you see above financed my very expensive video poker habit.

Now, there were two questions on my mind. One - what's for dinner. And two - did the Loose Doose qualify me to open the Veuve Cliquot champagne?