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Sunday, August 21, 2011

How about a little Nooky to put you to sleep?

Well, I trucked up to The City and met up with my buddy in the lobby of the Nickle and Dime hotel at King and Main and unbelievably, he had a beautiful, new, shiny Nook Color for me.

Finally.

After all this time.

We had a few drinks at the bar - what is it with hotel bars? A beer was $9 and a glass of wine $15. And you gotta add tip to that. That's almost $30 a round. Unfortunately my buddy became some sort of a wine-savemyheart-bojolay-snob in the last couple of years and he's always talking about 'chardonnay this' and 'baby duck' that. Screwtops vs. tetra paks. That kind of uppity nonsense.

I couldn't believe I had the Nook Color in my possession at last but I really did. It still had the latte scent of the Brazillian hotty stewardess on the shrink wrap.

Gathered myself together and hit the Friday traffic out of The City for Flusherville - made it home in time for a nice thick steak and salad, courtesy of Mrs. Flusher. She knows how to give a guy the meat.

Then it was downtown to take care of this weird sleep lab thing.

I had visions of being watched all night by Olaf or Borys or somebody, and as mentioned, doing something untoward and ending up the latest sensation on social media.

But I checked into the clinic and a lovely tanned young thing named Nicky took care of me. First she sat me down and started applying electrodes all over my head. She'd squeeze some sort of paste onto them - the better to pick up my twisted thoughts - and then tape them to me. I had about 12 of these on me including a couple on my calves. I told her there were no calves brains down there but she insisted.

I futzed around for a while as the other members of our sleep tribe got gussied up. Then Nicky led me to bed.

I wish it were as sexy as it sounds but I looked like a Christmas ham and had two electrode leads down my pants. Now that is a look that attracts the ladies.

She added a couple of bands - one around my mighty chest and one around my mighty gut. And then for fun, hooked me up with a rubber thing up my nose.

I hopped into bed and got my iPod ready to go.

"Good night, Mr. Flusher," she said warmly.

"Good night Nicky. Can I have a bedtime story?"

"Really???"

"Maybe the Little Red Tractor that Huffed and Puffed, or the Little Snoring Engine that Could All Night Long?"

"Right.... If you need anything in the night, like you have to go to the bathroom or get a drink, pull this cord. I'll come in and disconnect you from the hookup in the wall, OK? When I get back to my station, I'm coming on the intercom and will ask you to do some movements."

"Are you going to ask me to bark like a dog, or flap my arms like a chicken, just to see if you can get me to do it?"

Nicky suppressed a giggle and shook her head and closed the door.

Next came the crackle of the intercom. "Mr. Flusher?"

I looked up at the infrared camera and gave the thumbs up. "Hi Nicky. This is Night Flight 7. Read you loud and clear. Over."'

I could hear her eyes rolling.

"Look at the ceiling with your eyes open."

"10-4 good buddy."

I did. I was sure there was some reason for this. Maybe the electrodes at the corners of my eyes could pick up something.

"Good. Now close your eyes for 10 seconds."

I did.

"Good. Now look left and right rapidly."

I looked left and right and left and right until she told me to stop.

"Good. Now point flex your calf and point your right toe."

I flapped my arms like a chicken and barked three or four times.

"Mr. Flusher! Please!" she laughed over the intercom.

I did as I was told, and then did a bunch more tests and then... it was time. I popped the iPod in and hit Shuffle. And laid there for a good hour and a half before falling asleep.

Finally I woke up - it was 2:00am. No tent issues. Good. I'd been on my back as they wanted but I couldn't say I'd had any breathing problems. I turned over, plumped the pillow up so it wouldn't jam the electrodes much further into my skull, and dozed off again.

I spent the rest of the night flipping like an egg at a truck stop, over and back and over again. The next time I checked my watch it was 5:45am. I laid there until 6:00am, which is when the brochure said this night of relaxing sleep and relaxation would come to an end.

I pulled the ripcord and Nicky was there in an instant.

"Good morning, I'm ready to roll," I said.

She got me unhooked and pretty much gave me a free waxing given all the Krazy Glue tape that was on me. I asked if I had apnead all night long but of course, she wasn't allowed to say - I'd have to come in and see Dr. Hale to get the results. Either that or look on YouTube.

I got dressed and by 6:30am I was out of there, a free man with a Nook Color and a place to nap waiting at home.




Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My Palate

Apparently, I have a big palate. I think that, as a man, this is something to be very proud of.

Just like you never forget your first Pauli Girl, you never forget a man with a big palate. Unless he's stopped breathing, that is.

I seem to have this tendency to have dreams where I'm scuba diving, everything is nice, floating along, under the sea, enjoying the sea creatures and colorful coral... except that I'm out of air and scrambling to take away Mrs. Flusher's regulator to get a breath, as the scientisms put it, of life-saving H2O.

I snore. I snort. I stop breathing. Apparently. Because when I wake up after a dream like that, sure enough, I am about to suck my lips into my lungs, I'm fighting so hard for oxygen.

After a short interval of prodding and cajoling (24 years) I finally went and saw Dr. N. Hale, who runs a small, but efficient sleep lab here in Flusherville. (I've seen a lot of 'love you long time' types going in and out of the back of his establishment so I wonder if he is making more in rent to an illicit 'rub and tug' than he is a sleep lab doc - but I digress).

Anyhoo.... just at the moment I am supposed to be taking delivery of my shiny new Color Nook (which has been from probably China, to San Fran, to Sparks Nevada, to Las Vegas, to the Golden Nugget, to Roger's Office at the Golden Nugget, to the Brazilian stewardess with the creamy latte thighs to the Vespa delivery chick Crystal in Miami to my buddy's place to my buddy's suitcase and finally to CANADA!) I am called to go in to see Dr. N. Hale about my so called 'apnea'.

They should call it 'napnea' but that's another dream I have.

Long and short, I saw the Dr. and as the butler in Arthur (the good one, not the sucky remake) said, "and he has seen me."

Can you imagine, the fucker told me to lose some weight? Why would globules of chubby fatness around my windpipe area contribute to my not being able to breathe properly while completely comatose after four double vodkas and an ill-chosen Bellini???

I'll have you know, dear blog-reader, that I am extremely attractive for a somewhat portly savvy gamblester. Breathing or no heavy breathing, I am a luvvvv machine baby.

To be honest, I'm a little bit leery of the whole sleep lab thing. For that is what was prescribed to me. I shall go into the sleep lab, and I shall be placed on many monitors, and I shall sleep in a (likely) bed bug infested mattress and I shall be observed on infra-red camera.

Now.

My biggest fear is that in the morning, I should pitch a tent worthy of the North Face, standing tall and proud and flapping in the 90 mile per hour Everest winds, just off the Lhotse face.

And then, well... you know, I might grab something. In my semi-slumber.

And some hot Brazilian latte-thighed sleep lab attendant will put me on YouTube where I will be labelled "Sleep Lab Boner Man" and I will garner 13,000,000 views in the next 2 weeks. I will be placed on talk-show circuit bills alongside 'Star Wars Kid' and a myriad of 'Epic Fail' YouTubers.

So I asked Dr. Hale about this...

"Surely... your technicians have seen everything..."

"Oh yes, no surprises... they've seen it all!"

"Good. Because I'm worried I might, you know.... scratch or something."

"Oh yes, I see! Well, no worries there, they are very experienced."

"So I guess its not that uncommon..."

"Well... actually, it is pretty uncommon, the grabbing.... there was this one fellow, put on quite a show..."

Relief. There really had to be lots more like him, who was way worse than I'd ever be. He was probably the norm, and I'd be just fine.

Dr. Hale continued, "... yes, he suffered dementia, it was quite sad, him grabbing himself.... we got over it after a while...."

So this week, I was hoping, would be filled with Color Nook bliss and nothing else. But it turns out there's a cancellation in the Sleep Lab. I go up to meet my buddy on Friday to pick up the elusive Nook Color - and that very night, I'm booked into the sleep lab back in Flusherville for some infrared camera YouTube-worthy humiliation.

I am going to ask for a straightjacket.
P.S.

Is it Nook Color or Color Nook????? I have no clue at this point. I think you know what I am referring too - its the thing I paid $250 for 3 weeks ago, and spent 83 hours on the phone about, and haven't seen yet.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Nook Color Update - an International Incident

Well, today's the day, potentially, that my long lost Nook Color makes its way up from Miami to Canada.

My Nook Color, which I ordered about 3 weeks ago, should finally be in the right country!





Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A Miracle of Delivery

Yes, its a miracle. My long lost Nook Color has been delivered to my buddy's house in Miami!

I think I learned something about how to go about ordering stuff online to be delivered to a hotel - don't.





Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Is Texas Closer to Flusherville than Vegas?

It would appear that Roger came through for me. FedEx's amazing service is doing exactly what it should be doing, unlike those lame laggards UPS. I think UPS stands for Undelivered Package Services.

Here's the latest update on where my Nook Color is:

Roger creates a way bill for my shipment and phones it in to FedEx for pickup.

Aug 1, 2011 12:06 PM Shipment information sent to FedEx

So the package was picked up from the Golden Nugget no later than say five-ish and lovingly transported to FedEx's state of the art origin facility.

Aug 1, 2011 5:56 PM Left FedEx origin facility NORTH LAS VEGAS, NV

From there, it winged its way to Graceland:

Aug 2, 2011 12:33 AM Arrived at FedEx location MEMPHIS, TN

And then on to Texas for some reason:

Aug 2, 2011 1:33 AM Arrived at FedEx location DALLAS, TX

And then back to Memphis:

Aug 2, 2011 2:33 AM Arrived at FedEx location MEMPHIS, TN

And then was gently placed on a conveyor (upholstered in leather softer than kid gloves) and carried onto one of FedEx's perfectly maintained aircraft, probably by that hot Brazilian stewardess on her day off. The crew arrived on time in their perfectly pressed FedEx uniforms. Just as the sun rose over the home of legendary Sun Studios, Captain Reliant pushed the throttles forward. The great jet raced down the runway like a winged thoroughbred, and arced into a perfect sky.

Aug 2, 2011 3:57 AM Departed FedEx location MEMPHIS, TN

The 'guys' break up their pre-shift card game, smiling and laughing together, ready to greet another exciting day of package sorting. A final swallow of hot freshly-brewed premium espresso and a wistful wave to one another, and they are off to their sorting stations.

"Good sorting, Jimmy!" says one.

"Good sorting, Manuel! Good sorting Butch!" says another.

"Good sorting Jimmy! Good sorting Butch! Good sorting Lucy!" says another (probably Manuel).

"Good sorting, Jimmy, Manuel! Good sorting, Butch!" says Lucy with a smile.

"Good sorting, Lucy, Butch!" says Jimmy, who forgot Lucy and Butch the first time.

"Get your asses to work!" says foreman Manny. They all laugh so hard they have tears running down their glowing faces. And it's off to the sort!

They all marvel at the different weights and sizes of the packages, and each one is treated like it contained eggs, or really fragile lidless urine samples that have to be kept upright. The package containing my Nook Color was deftly sorted, and sorted again just to be sure. It is placed in a taxi and sent on to Irving.

Aug 2, 2011 5:11 AM At destination sort facility MIAMI, FL

Crystal, the local Irving Miami rep for FedEx has met the taxi wearing a revealing nighty. She works part time for FedEx, in between shifts at the Squeaky Pole Gentleman's Club. She's holding the package close to her soft and welcoming bosom as she straddles her trusty imported Vespa (which is a bit noisy, but really easy on gas) for the trip to my buddy's house.

Aug 2, 2011 7:16 AM At local FedEx facility MIAMI, FL

Any of you reading from Florida right now might hear Crystal whiz by on her imported Vespa. She's quite a sight with that skimpy nighty breezing out behind her.

Aug 2, 2011 8:04 AM On FedEx vehicle for delivery MIAMI, FL

Ride, Crystal! Ride!!





Monday, August 1, 2011

Moment of Truth for my Nook Color

Wow, I was surprised this morning to find that Roger pinged me to ask me how I wanted him to deal with the Nook Color that has been sitting in his office in Las Vegas all weekend.

That's a hell of a lot more than Barnes and Noble would do - they wouldn't even return my call - told me it was policy - when we were no longer able to hear each other.

Anyway, I checked out some rates to ship my Nook Color to Canada via FEDEX. Pardon my French but UPS can get bent. There is no way I am shipping anything with them ever again. First of all, they have hinged their company image on a brilliant marketing strategy which seems to be to trademark the color brown.

Brown.

Brown is the most boring color there is. Brown is the color of excrement and packages which I paid for 1-3 business days shipping on but which are handed off to the post office for at least 2 days.

Brown is the suit you shouldn't have bought.

Brown is the color of dirt, the stuff you walk on.

No way baby, now that I have my Nook Color in possession by proxy, thanks to Roger Dodger's office, its FEDEX for me.

I checked out the rates to Canada. The slowest I could get it was a 6 day air shipping rate which goes through 15 different airport hubs. It costs $75.

They also had a FEDEX Global Premium Hybrid Air rate for $106. It takes 5 days. I think what happens is an agent drives it to the state line in his Prius, and then ships the package.

They also had a FEDEX Global Super Premium Pure Air rate for $132. It takes 3-4 business days. I think what happens is a hot Brazilian stewardess holds the package between her knees on a flight to Memphis on her off day - and she ships the package from there, sealing it with a kiss.

They also had a FEDEX Gold Global Super Premium Pure Air Plus (with up drop) rate for $185. I think what happens with this is they send it to Memphis using angels that they have on contract. These angels then bless the package, scan it, put it through the system, then pick it up again, dematerialize it, wish themselves to Flusherville, and then rematerialize it on my doorstep where I would find it surrounded by a faint glow the next morning, and be serenaded by a host of ghostly voices each time I bent to pick it up.

I love ghostly voices as much as the next guy but I decided on a cheaper action.

After careful consultation with Roger, I weighed my options like a surgeon figuring out his first incision.

Roger: "I can get you a discount on domestic - "

Me: "LET'S DO IT."

And that is how I came to give Roger my credit card information, and that is how I came to be in possession of an actual FEDEX tracking number.

Because my Nook Color e-reader, which I plan to hack into a great android tablet if I can ever get my paws on it, and which I have already paid for, is on its way to - where else - Florida.

Large, colorful photo of the Riviera, completely out of context with the blog post.




Nook Color Update and Some Gambling Results

It was too late on Friday to arrange any package sending or to do anything much. To get my mind off the Nook Color which was (supposedly) ensconsed safely somewhere deep in the recesses of the Smug Nugget's shipping department, I decided to throw Chippy in the half-ton and go over to play Crib with the FatherFlusher and drink about 11 Molson Excels.

The description on a reputable beer review site of Molson Excel is that it is "Very light & clear. Bubbly from CO2". It is also rocks a full 0.5% alcohol. Presumably because it is against the laws of physics to remove all alcohol from beer. That's 0.5%, one tenth of what is in a regular beer. But lets face it, removing any alcohol from beer should be a chargeable offense.

Now, imagine a beer being bubbly from C02! And being light and clear. Sounds like fizzy dishwater to me. In fact, the tasting impressions of the online review site describe it this way: "Thin & watery....This is bad for even a N/A beer. Can't finish it."

The F.F. is pretty good at crib - good enough to count my hand and even move my pegs before I've even started totalling things up. In fact, he even starts dealing for me if I don't get a move on. I'm not even sure why he needs me there to play crib with him - he's pretty much playing both sides of the board by himself.

I was starting to get a buzz from my 5th Excel when some information came in from Vegas by email - the final updates and random observations from the Quad Queen's trip. Actually, the buzz I was feeling was from my bladder, which was about to rupture from downing 5 Excels in 35 minutes. That's about the only buzz you are going to get from this froth.

On the way to the last show (Ka), the QQ was playing with all the buttons in the limo to see what they did, because she was too pasted to read the tiny labels. Turning the mood lights up and down, music on and off, opening and closing the moon roof. The driver turned around and said, "Is there something wrong with the car?"

Mrs. Flusher replied that it was she who was pressing the buttons.

Generally, on the last day, she was down only $300 or $400 for the trip. This is pretty good and if you've been to Vegas, you know that. In fact for a week, it is something akin to a miracle.

On the Golden Nugget Wheel of Meat, the QQ got to spin for $25. They moved on the the bar at the Four Queens for some quarter DDB and she hit quad 4s for $200.


Meanwhile over at the Cal, she hit the dollar Treasure Chest and was dealt quad 10s - it came up with the minimum, a not too shabby $140.

She was inching her way back to even, bit by bit.

At Fremont they hit the pick'em on last time and she managed a quad there, which is good for $150.

It wouldn't be a trip to Vegas without playing some $5 video poker - thats $25 a hand. First hand she got three of a kind and bailed for a quick $50 profit.

More quads ensued, a see-saw battle edging close to zero and in fact, edging close to a winning trip. Megabucks ate $50 and didn't make us millionaires. (Imagine that.)

She played another $20 as a last gasp and ran it up to $80 and cashed out - at that point the Quad Queen was even on the entire trip, without getting a Royal. Phenomenal job!

Tradition says we play at the airport, and the Wheel of Meat there ate $20 and yielded nothing in return.

So, final, final, final, the Queenus in Betweenus booked a $20 loss for seven nights in Vegas. Sadly the MotherFlusher pretty much went through her budget, and got it all back and then some in excitement and entertainment.

Big thumbs up for Du-Pars - apparently their entrees are home made including the chicken pot pie and the chicken soup, which were greatly enjoyed.

Big thumbs down for Lago Buffet at Caesars. "Very expensive for crappy food. And if you are not staying at the hotel, you cannot pay with a credit card - and they don't tell you until you get to the cashier as you enter (you have to pay before you eat)."

Apparently the whimsical, musical Goldfishing machines by the washrooms at Main St. Station are no more. I loved hearing those, I always knew I was in Vegas when I heard that little tune they play.

Throughout the trip, the Mother Flusher hit 23 quads, with three of them being $100 or higher. She hit 2 straights flush.

But the Quad Queen, in Queenlike fashion, hit 57 quads in all, including 16 quads of $100 or higher: 125, 400, 125, 100, 102, 250, 250, 400, 150, 400, 600, 125, 125, 125, 200, 140. She hit 2 straights flush.

And that is how you break even on video poker in Vegas.

Now that everyone is back home where they belong, I am hearing that, contrary to this being the MotherFlusher's "once in a lifetime trip", she is now planning to go back next May, with another daughter, and her grand-daughter in tow.

Heck with that, take ME.