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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Cavalcade of Frustration! and Fuzzy Cell Phone Shots!

I gave Chippy her breakfast and sent her out to hopefully take a dump on the neighbor's yard to the left. Not the good neighbor to the right, but hopefully the bad neighbor to the left.

I'm not sure if Chippy knows right from left though.

That situation with the Barnes & Nobull Color Nook has got me on edge. I've got $275 tied up in that thing and at this point, it would seem only the Stewart St. post office (which does not publish a contact number) knows where it is.

You see, the problem is - Mrs. Flusher checked out at 3:00am this morning. And the package is nowhere to be seen. Certainly she doesn't have it. And I'm not gonna get it.

I called the post office's automated 800 service.

"Hello! Thank you for calling the US Postal Service automated service. You can say 'ok' to continue."

"OK."

"Thank you. To track a package, say track a package. To ask about postal rates and delivery - "

"Track a package."

"I'm sorry. I didn't get that."

"TRACK A PACKAGE."

"You said - Track a Package. Is that right?"

"YES!"

"I'm sorry - I didn't get that. To track a package, say track a package. To ask about postal rates and delivery -"

"TRACK A FUCKING PACKAGE!!!!!!!!!!""I'm sorry - I didn't get that. To track a package, say track a package. To ask about postal rates and delivery -"

"Track. A. Package.""You said - Track a Package. Is that right?"

"YES!"

"Okay. I can help you."

I let out a big sigh of relief and let the stupid automaton drone on.

"Do you have a package tracking number?"

"Why yes, I do."

"I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Do you have a package tracking number?"

"OK"

"Please recite the package tracking number."

The tracking number has like 300 digits. Its absolutely insane.

"1 9 2 9 4 1 1 0 39 38 0 204 0 69 69 69 69 8 10 411 911 86 666"

"Did you say '1 9 2 9 4 1 1 0 39 38 0 204 0 69 69 69 69 8 10 411 911 86 666. You can say 'OK' or 'No'.'"

By God I did!!!!

"OK!"

"The package has been issued for delivery. Would you like to track another package?"

"Where is it?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't get that."

"WHERE. THE. FUCK. IS. IT????"

"I'm sorry. I didn't get that."

"TAKE A LONG HARD SUCK ON IT SISTER!!!!"

"I'm sorry you are having trouble..."

A long pause and then a very wistful "Goodbye..." followed by a disconnect.

So I cut to the chase and called the Smug Nugget. I started with the Desk. Explained my story. Next, the Business Center. Explained my story. Next, the bell desk, which is also shipping.

There, I spoke to Roger, with the head of shipping and freight for the Golden Nugget. I explained my story. Gave him Mrs. Flusher's name. Whimpered a little bit.

"Yes, sir I have it right here."

My jaw hit the kitchen table making a sound like a bowling ball dropping onto a bank's terrazo floor. For a moment I wondered how the sound I'd heard when my jaw fell triggered such a cloying, ridiculous simile. Then I pressed on.

"You have it? FANTASTIC!!!" My Color Nook was Found!!! But what to do with it?

I'd had it with this charade. I had to face it - I was never going to get my beautiful new Color Nook.

"Send it back, ok?"

He said he could do that.

The day wore on and I pondered how I would know it was sent back. I got on the phone to Barnes and Nobull and spent 2 hours - TWO FULL HOURS - getting shuffled between Ordering, the Digital Department, Customer Service, and Lube, Oil & Filter.

A couple of times the line went dead just as I was getting somewhere.

I explained my story about 10 times. And I had them on the ropes - they were going to issue a refund based on "Buyer's Remorse". HA!

At one point, these poindexters asked me for the serial number of the device. I think I did cry a little bit at that point.

Then they started talking shipping label and RMA number. Another few on-hold sessions with their Fluffer-specialty humpy humpy porno on-hold music. And then the volume of the call just faded away to nothing.

The rep and I were screaming at each other. Nobody could get a message across. I finally hung up in frustration.

Then panic set over me.

I had to get to Roger before his day ended. It was quarter to eight eastern time. I called his number and prayed. No answer. I called again. No answer. Left a message and my phone number.

Like he'd call me back. Right.

He called me back!!!

"Roger - do you by any chance... still have that package?"

"Yes sir, I do. It's right here in my office."

"Roger, hang on to it. Don't return it. They need an RMA number and they need to send me a label. If I forward the label to you can you take care of re-addressing the package?"

He could.

Now I finally knew what to do. Plan D.

And just because you have read this far, here are some gratuitous obligatory fuzzy cellphone shots of the Quad Queen's exploits.











The MotherFlusher.



A couple of Pick'em Stinker-hands.








Friday, July 29, 2011

The Things You Hear in Vegas

One thing you don't hear is the delivery of my shiny new forbidden Barnes and Noble Nook Color.

That piece of crap still hasn't arrived.

Meanwhile, I understand the Missus F. was at the MGM G. playing the Lion's S.

In fact, the jackpot on that sucker is up to 2.3 million dollars. And I happened to phone the Quad Queen while she was playing it.

"I got $15!"

"My Nook hasn't arrived."

"I'm up to $130 - I put $100 in! Oh, I hit for $15 again. And AGAIN!"

"It isn't here yet - can you go check on it?

"Nothing. Nothing. $15 win again!"

"My Nook hasn't arrived."

Basically after 5-6 days in Vegas, she is down maybe $700 or $800. Not bad, but a Royal would fix it.

Because there is not much remotely playable on the strip in low denominations, Mrs. F took some flyers on 50-cent and dollar high volatility VP. Wouldn't you know it, on 50 cent Double Double Bonus, she was dealt three 3s and nailed the fourth with Ace kicker for $400.

And on dollar Triple Bonus Poker Plus, she hit quad 3s again from two for a $600 score. Now that is more like it!!!

She cashed out a ticket for $750, which made it very easy to sit through that old chestnut, KA. (Actually, Ka is kariffic.)

Back at the Nugget, they played some things, lost for a while, and then the QQ went on one of her world famous runs hitting three quads within 15 minutes. On three different machines. ALL OF THEM DEALT.

A Dealt Quad
They played the old coin-dropper pick'em machines in the Fremont and heard some interesting drunk Vegas snippets from a guy and a girl.

"Trying to find a lady like way to ask this but is there a reason why she wants to chill it off?"

"Triple fisting it, OK?"

"Not like its illegal, but there is something dirty about it."

"In Vegas one of us learned how to do this."

"The stiff dog, Mr. T are awesome."

"OMG my buns are just red."

"He said he was the third one to puke."

"Its his 50th birthday, so all he wants to do is lay on stuff so you can take his picture."

What does it all mean? What triple fists in Vegas gets red and stays in Vegas.

By the end of the day she was down only $340 on the trip. I told her "you could easily have a winning trip if you get lucky at the airport".




Barnes and Noble Can't Tell Time

Well, my Nook Color from Barnes and Noble still hasn't been delivered to the hotel.

Guess, what their 1-3 business day 'express shipping' consists of shipping a Nook Color from Sparks, NV to Las Vegas, then having it sit in their warehouse for a couple of days.

And then UPS hands the package over to the United States Postal Service.

Are you fucking kidding me???? How is this express, and how could this ever be 1-3 business days?

I'm watching the UPS tracking page like a hawk all day, my finger is sore from jabbing the F5 key for refresh, Mrs. Flusher won't take my calls anymore because I have been hounding her to go down to the Golden Nugget desk to check for it every 22 minutes.

The UPS page says it will be delivered today. I'm not sure what good that does me.

I've talked to the clowns on the Barnes and Noble support line and they told me that the first day of processing a shipment doesn't count as the first business day.

Are you kidding me? Can't they tell time?

I think this is serious misrepresentation of this delivery option. Babies have been conceived and delivered in less time than it will take my Nook to show up, if it shows up at all.

To add insult to injury, the B&N 800 number doesn't work from Flusherville - I have to call long distance just to end up on hold listening to their porno boink-boink music for what seems like hours on end.

Mrs. Flusher is almost even.

And she doesn't have the one little consolation I was hoping for in return for being stuck here making sure FatherFlusher has enough Molson near beer for the last 9 days - a little bit of digital happiness that the tools at Barnes and Noble can't figure out how to ship across the border.

Hmmm, does Borders have an e-reader, or did they go out of business for being as wretched at customer service as Barney-boy?
Mock up of the prescient Nook that I might never take possession of.




Thursday, July 28, 2011

How about some Nooky

I'm not really feeling very sorry for myself but if I was, I would order some extravagant electronics to make myself feel better.

The Quad Queen and the MotherFlusher have been very quiet indeed. I am concerned that they are 'overdoing' it (i.e. spending all my North American Veeblefetzer pension money).

Anyway, to make myself feel better, I ordered myself a Barnes and Noble Color Nook e-reader. We can't buy this model in Flusherville, so I ordered one up and I'm having it delivered to the Smug Nugget, c/o Mrs. F. I paid extra for express delivery which is supposed to be 1-3 business days.

Hopefully it will arrive in good time, and hopefully the hotel won't fumble it and hopefully Mrs. F won't have any trouble lying her way through customs with it.

I have Chippy here with me at the FatherFlusher's place. Chippy is such a delight. It was a beautiful summer day so I took her for a ramble. She's an easy walker, except if she encounters another dog. In that case, she rears up on her hind legs and goes off like a bomb. She scrambles and wriggles and if you heard it, you'd think a pig was being slaughtered in someone's front yard.

We left the house, walked approximately 17 feet, turned a corner, and some stupid-ass mook decided to have their mop-like dog tethered to their front door by a length of string. Well of course Chippy went of like a bomb. She struggled and barked and tried to get at the little white rat which was also barking at us like nobody's business. Chippy managed to wriggle her way out of her collar, halti, muzzle, and harness and I had to tackle her to keep the carnage down. Chippy is such a delight.

One thing I'm really not used to, and not keen on, is the whole 'stoop and pick up your dog's steaming, smelly mushy crap' laws. In our neighborhood, every dog has its day. Every single day.

Not so in the FatherFlusher's fancy-ass gated adult-only nose in the air stuck up community.

I did have a couple of plastic bags with me, but I just prayed that Chippy was already pooped out from her after breakfast time in the yard.

Anyway, we had a nice walk. No more issues, until we were 17 feet from the house. That's when Chippy decided to squat and strain. I'm pretty sure I saw her look back at me and wink.

Of course, she didn't do this on the grass, she did it on the sidewalk. And walked along while doing it. And some pieces rolled down the hill. So I found myself pretty much chasing rolling steaming dog turds down the sidewalk so that I could capture them in my 'loot bag'. How proud I must have looked.

Apparently Deline Cion was actually pretty good, if you like that sort of caterwauling. In fact, I think it probably sounded like when Chippy encounters a white mop-like dog.

The gambling has been up and down. Mrs. F. has had some luck with some key quads such as hitting Quad Aces on dollar Bonus for $400. But basically those wins are getting drained away.

One big piece of news - the chicken pot pie at Du-Pars is quite good. I don't know how they can keep the funster level up to such a fever pitch. Or are there things I'm not being told???


Next on the show list was Jubilee, and I am sure that was as entertaining as always. Not sure what the women do around the show of boobies - do they look with interest, do they compare, or do they focus on the colorful feathers?

We ordered a couple of pizzas for dinner. They guy came and Chippy decided since the nice crystal-meth fiend delivery man had two steaming hot pizzas in his hands and was probably about 99% on his way to heading straight back to anger management classes at the community center, she should do her delightful 'SIC BALLS' trick and dive snout-first deep into the man's crotch.

That cost me an extra five-spot on the tip.

Chippy is so, so delightful.

Hadn't heard much more by the end of the day. I put Chippy out and brought her back and put a couple of dog cookies in her favorite toy - Red Bone. Its a rubber bone with holes in it for treats. Chippy reared up and stepped in an entire bowl of water, knocking it over and dumping it everywhere. Chippy is so delightful.

And by the end of the day, the package tracking on my Nook showed that it had left Sparks, NV and made its way to Las Vegas. It's looking good!




Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Radio Silence except for Cion Deline

Mrs. Flusher and the MotherFlusher are having way too much fun in steamy Las Vegas to even tell me how much money they have lost.

Here's a few facts that I know. They did have the 'Colonel-can-go-fuck-himself-this-is-the-best-fried-chicken-in-the-world' fried chicken at the Fitz.

Stock stand-in fried chicken photo.
And they have been spending my retirement on Limos and probably speed.

If they still call it 'speed'.

They saw 'O' the other night (via expensive I paid for it limo) and then Jubilee (with tits) last night (via expensive I paid for it limo).

And Mrs. F had the gall to play a $25 a pull slot at Bellagio (prior to 'O' I suppose). She also had the gall to put in $100 and take out $175. And she hit a dealt quad on the $2 machine for $400.

Having said that, the report is she lost $400 yesterday but was up $360 today, and they were on their way to Cion Deline at Caesars.

I didn't ask her how much the MotherFlusher is paying her to listen to Cion Deline.

Meanwhile, things are really 'hotting up' here at the FatherFlusher's. Tonight we played 'It's for you' so hang up on the neighbor. Three times in succession. I don't think Ruth is really wanting for the MotherFlusher and FatherFlusher to come to their New Brunswick Extravaganza Slide Show Night now!

(Unless they bring Bridge Mixture.)

Did I mention that FatherFlusher has a penchant for setting the thermostat to 46 degrees farenheit? The last 3 nights running I've woken up with snot icicles on my nose.

He blames 'those kids' even though there have been no kids anywhere near this house for 2 weeks now.

Let's see, what else...

Today I traded Jimmy chicken salad sandwiches for his roast beef ones. Except it wasn't, it was tuna. Jimmy doesn't know the difference so I made out like a sandwich bandit on that deal. It was almost as exciting as being in Vegas and having drinks brought to you while you dump every cent I am earning on this hot, steamy, boring, goddam size 7 grommet line into the maw of the flusherflushing video poker machines.

Did I mention how funny it looks when Jimmy almost drops his sandwich because of the fingertip he lost 37 days ago? Its healed up pretty good but he is still adjusting. I told him he should see the insurance man but Jimmy says that is a mugs game, they never pay out anything, and besides, how is he going to prove anything when we can't even find his fingertip?

Maybe when we do our bi-annual strip-down of the machinery on the line, we'll find Jimmy's ticket to riches, or at least a few thou for a fingertip lost in action.

In all this rambling, I've determined basically, that it's great to be in Vegas, and its sucks to be me.




Monday, July 25, 2011

Brief Bellagio Update

Mrs. Flusher is having too much fun without me to be in contact much. But I did get a brief email.

They took the limo over to Bellagio to watch 'O'.

And Mrs. F was dealt quad 3s with a kicker for $400 and a hand pay.

And, for some insane reason, she played a $25 slot. Put in $100 and took out $175.

Now that's the way you do it!





Sunday, July 24, 2011

I Never Get To Go Anywhere - and Vegas Updates

I have to admit, I'm kinda feelin' sorry for myself. While the Quad Queen is galavanting in Vegas with the MotherFlusher, I'm stuck back here in Flusherville.

And, I have to kind of keep an eye on that FlusherFIL. So, before my shift at North American Veeblefetzer (where I hold court over the size 7 grommet line - now 37 days accident free - we are still looking for Jimmy's fingertip, can you believe that?) at lunch time, after my shift, and sometimes in the evening, I'm hauling ass across town to the FlusherFILs house to make sure he is stocked up on Molson 0.5% beer, and hasn't left the stove on or anything.

And on the weekends, I'm stayin' over so we can play cards till all hours of the night (9:15pm) and talking about our various medications. He pretty much has me beat on that front.

In fact, the other day he showed me a weird triple decker pill that looked like a miniature Big Mac.

"What's that for?", I asked him.

"That's to keep my prostate from swelling."

"How do you shove that tiny thing up there?"

"I swallow it, dumbass, it works from the top down. Sheesh."

He's pretty annoyed that I am on the scene and checking that he took his Big Mac pills 3 times a day. I guess I can understand that.

The good part is, we don't have to cook much, and we can leave the cleaning until the MotherFlusher comes home. (I think.)

Just the other night, we each ordered a small pizza, and I only had to pay half the bill. Its really an arrangement that is to my benefit.

Just like the big-shots in Vegas, we are playing cards for some heavy action. For example, if I get 15, 2 then 15, 4 and a pair is 6, I get to move a plastic peg 6 points on the crib board. The next hand, I might get to move a dirty toothpick because one of the plastic pegs is long gone. And, if one of us skunks the other, it counts for 2 games and not one. Now that is what I call 'high stakes cribbage'.

My loving Quad Queen wife took 3 minutes out of her busy, busy schedule in which she has to accomplish eating great food, getting drunk, and gambling her ass off till all hours to send me an email with the vital trip information you all and I have been dying to here.

And so the very latest is as follows.



Ass, Gas or Grass - Nobody Rides for Free.
The check-in at the Golden Smugget was a cluster-flusher. The keys to the first room didn't work. Then they didn't have another room with 2 queen beds. They scored the upgrade but the hotel put a $350 hold on the credit card triggering it to be shut off. And they couldn't charge meals to the room because the front desk got it all messed up. I'm not sure what the dealio was but it took an hour to sort it at the desk.

The MotherFlusher's very first day in Vegas started with eggs, hashbrowns and lucky sausages. Mrs. F had a philly cheesestake.

Then they hit the machines near the Grille, playing some quarter Bonus Poker.

And wouldn't you believe it, the MotherFlusher was dealt four to a Royal in her first session??? She didn't get it but what a great start to her VP career.

Mrs. F. hit a quad and on the first day was dealt four to a Royal on six separate occasions. I am hoping this is an indicator of lots of Royals. (What I'd really like for her to do is get her first ever dollar Royal though.)

They hit the bar at the Four Queens for some bartop drunken Double Double Bonus (that's when I got the rather fuzzy phone call yesterday). Picture with the Million at Binions. Touring around, playing, having fun, doing all the things that I should be doing.

At Main St. Station, they hit the Treasure Chest machines - Mrs. F managed to get 500 quarters for one of her quads. Not too shabby!

All the scratch cards were $2 ones and they've replaced a bank of machines we used to like to play just outside the buffet with some weird loud video 'Wheel of Meat' machines. They saw some woman spin for $1000, which was pretty cool.


Mrs. F collected her and the FlusherFather bets on the Bruins for $90 apiece - nice return on a $10 bet.

At the ElCo, they checked in to the Flame and had just a salad, and the mac and cheese. Yummmmmm!!!

Today, Sunday, they were playing here and there and Mrs. Flusher is down $200 while the M.F. is down $400. Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas, honey!

I think she is due for some good luck - and in fact, between the two of them, they've hit 3 straights flush.




Tonight it is a limo ride down to Bellagio to see 'O'.




Saturday, July 23, 2011

Hitting the machines

Apparently the lineup at customs in Toronto was through the many lanes, along the full length of the snaking roped off line-up area, and out the door. Mrs. Flusher and the MotherFlusher were lucky to get through in time for their flight - they got interrogated, eyeballed, scanned, swabbed, patted up, down and sideways, and asked to polish the customs floor with stockinged feet, which they did.

Upon donning their shoes again, they headed straight to the gate and out to the plane.

Presidential was indeed waiting at Terminal 2 baggage claim the way they are supposed to, complete with a little sign that said, "MRS. FLUSHER" and below that in smaller print "Ass, Gas or Grass, Nobody rides for Free"

The ladies saddled up and cracked open the bottle of Chateau Velva 2011 and high-tailed it down to the Smug Nugget.

As mentioned they got the mercy upgrade, and the MotherFlusher wanted to have a bath of all things, while Mrs. F headed down to the casino. She hit a couple of quads in her first session.

The day finished with her up $20 and off to a good start in Las Vegas, the Holyland of Holylands. Las Vegas translated means 'where my money resides' and I asked her to bid it greetings.

Saturday Morning and breakfast at the Carson St. Cafe. Don't know what they had though. Then they proceeded to pop the MotherFlushers Video Poker cherry.

In fact, I got a call from one of my favorite spots, the venerable bar at the Four Queens that saw so much drunken DDB action last trip. The MotherFlusher had hit her first quad already, and had just got a straight flush. She's checking the boxes fast! Meanwhile the Quad Queen is down $100 on the day.

I had her play a few hands of dollar action over the phone but she only broke even. So nothing super-magnanimous to report here.

One good thing about this is I was figuring the MotherFlusher would just play on Mrs. F's cards. I asked about that but the QQ said she'd gotten her own to take advantage of the new sign-up freebies. I guess that makes sense. Maybe after that she'll swing back to the QQs card.

After all, if I have to sit back here in Flusherville while they have the fun, the least she can do is donate her action to our account right?

I am just not going to be happy unless I can figure out how to get something out of this.

Not that I am a bitter guy.

When I get screwed.

While others have all the fun.

And I have to sit here with some warm canned beer.

And take care of the Chippy all by myself.




Arrived at the Smug Nugget - The Adventure Begins (but not for me)

Rather than take advantage of all sorts of comps and freebies for the 'lesser' downtown hotels, Mrs. F and the MotherFlusher have opted to pay (!) for the Golden Nugget.

The update from Vegas is that they arrived at about 10:30pm Friday night, the limo arrangements with Presidential worked out (hopefully they got soused on the sparkly Lavoris aftershave that Presidential refers to as Champagne - maybe it should really be referred to as sham pain - but anyway, it comes with the limo ride so we down it anyway) and they have checked into the Smug Nugget.

Apparently, for 'medical reasons' (i.e. the MotherFlusher hails from the pleistocene era) they were granted a mercy upgrade to the Gold tower. This is tres bonus because it means they are close enough to the action on Fremont to be able to run back to the room to 'make a buy-in' and they can use their walking time exploring the casinos rather than commuting the 2 full city blocks back to the cheapo towers.

At about 2:30am Eastern time they were headed down to the casino.

I feel all tingly even though I am 90000 miles away - the adventure begins, that first visit to the casino, the stench of sweat and excitement, clouds of those flavored cigarellos that ABC stores in the air... actually I think the tingly feeling might be this strange set of bites I've gotten. I need to see if there's a creme for this.

Next post will have some GAMBLING UPDATES!!!!!

The airport wi-fi guy feels tingly too.




Friday, July 22, 2011

Mrs. Flushers Revenge

Mrs. Flusher has left Flusherville Regional Aerodrome in the Ditchcraft Aerospeciale Super 13 Rubboprop (stretch version) for Toronto's Pearson International Airport.

And she's on her way to Vegas.

And I ain't going.

No, really, I ain't. I'm so ain't I'm not even maybe ain't going. For real.

Because she is taking the MotherFlusher-in-law to Vegas with her.

The MotherFlusher is a Vegas Virgin which sounds kind of creepy to me but whatever. We're actually pretty excited for her because she is a born card player and we think she'll take to the casino like a duck to sticky carpet, ashtrays and cocktail waitresses.

How can it be that I'm stuck back here?

I guess this is ultimate payback for the extra trip I have on The Quad Queen - that solo jaunt where I lived it up at the Westward Ho.

(See Vintage Vegas from 2002 - Vegas on $19 a Night.)

Updates to come on the mother daughter Vegas adventure, along with my special brand of charming cynicism, sniping and jealousy...